Putting it out there....

After a wonderful day yesterday, seems Monday has decided to shroud me in doom and gloom. I feel paralyzed into inaction. I know there are things I need to take care of, but, just cannot get myself to do them. The problem is I'm afraid to look at my situation, because I'm worried it's worse than I suspect. I have a propensity to play the ostrich, hide my head in the sand until I've either waited too long to deal with the issue or I've finally conceded that I have to quit acting like a chicken and just deal with it. I hate it when I get like this. I'm not good with a lack of structure, either, so, now that I'm unemployed, I'm all over the place, yet, no where. Make sense?

I start school in two weeks. Yippeeeee! I have so many things to do, take care of, deal with, it's almost like there is too much to do or deal with and it's suffocating me. The suffocating usually causes me to want to go back to bed and try to sleep through the suffocation. Then, I beat myself up because I went back to bed to ride out the suffocation, arrghgh! So, blogging about it, might help, right? Perhaps I will be able to purge the doom and gloom, just by putting it out into the ether. Perhaps. No definitely, just give it away, poof, gone. There, that's better.

I will endeavor, now, to pull my head out.....of the sand and do at least one thing on the list of to do's....here I go......................................................................................................................................

"My Friends are my Estate". - Emily Dickinson

.....and, my blessing. Had a great day with all of my people...yes, they are my people. You know what I mean, my people, those who get me and love me, just the way I am, barnacles and all and whom I love, just the way they are, warts and all. We gathered to celebrate my Dad's birthday, which is offically July 4th and share a meal. Dad had a wonderful day, as all of his kids, this includes my people, as he has quite adopted all of them for himself, as well, were around to partake of the celebration of him being on this here planet for 65 years....! I would have posted some sort of photo commemorating the actual birthday party, but, I was not quite the photograhper I like to think I am, today....no decent shots that weren't just present opening snapshots.....so, please enjoy the lovely flowers, instead. (aren't they great?)

So, to carry on about my friends and our celebration....I so LOVE my friends, (family, too, but, since I don't choose them.....right?) and how we all have shared humor and that we rib each other mercilessly, without apology, in fact, expect it from each other, knowing that if we show weakness, we are sure to be the target.....all in good fun. We had an exceptionally big group, lot's of new friends, who managed to hold their own in our crowd, which can be awkward and somewhat daunting, since the old timers have a shared history...but, the newbies managed.

I am one of those people who loves to include everybody and I usually have a sense of who will fit and who won't and who to invite to one occasion, but, not another....and once in awhile, I choose wrong and someone new, will not quite fit and I feel bad and wish that I could have a do over with them and their introduction to the 'group'....I sort of got that chance today and the second time around, fun was had by all. I tend to have several uniquely different friends and the really different friends don't always do well with my core group....which for me is a little tough, because, really, I like to include everyone, especially when I want to entertain and feed people.

Today, two couples who I previously attempted to introduce into the core group and did not seem to fare well the first time around, (both couples left early, after spending most of the evening huddled in the corner or hanging out in the kitchen trying to help {which I don't mind, accept that I wanted them to enjoy the party}), came to the party, this was good, because, both new couples are actually fun, smart, creative and would be great friends with others in the 'core group' (I know, it sounds like I throw seminars for people with social disfunctions or something, I guess, I'm having a hard time really articulating tonight, because that is not even close to what I'm trying to say), so, the fact that both left early and with fear and panic on their faces, left me feeling like I had not succeeded in 'adding them' to the group. I did not give up though and even after I invited the two couples, trepidation creeped in, but, I'm glad I included them again, as they were able to enjoy everybody, the party and 'my people' enjoyed my "new" people. (I own them, you know, my people, like I'm the Queen or something, right?)

I really like having my people around, I looked forward to this party ALL WEEK long and it was all I hoped for....integration for my new people, OH! And.....Dad had a great birthday celebration, too!

Have Faith

I keep saying that to myself. Just trust in Divine guidance. Listen to your heart and BELIEVE. I've made this my new mantra. I've been saying it for months and I believe it's finally kicking in. Taking a leap and going back to school, hoping that the money will come and that unemployment will kick in and that the stars will align, all will be right with the world - or at least my world. I've been looking backward and wondering if I've made the right choice, but, I've decided to 'practice' believing, then, I WILL believe. Looking back, just a little farther than a couple of weeks ago gave me some perspective and I believe that I will be okay. I'm taking things one day at a time, working through that and when I start to get scared and think that I might be lost, I remind myself that listening to my heart is the only way I'm going to get to the life I've not lived.

Last year I went to jewelers school and I REALLY thought that I wanted that, despite all economic forecasts I believed that I could go to jewelers school and become a jeweler and really honor the artist inside of me....but, there were obstacles. Obstacles that I just took as they came and totally steamrolled through them to get what I thought I wanted.....I did not stop to examine the trials I was going through to get to and through school. I did not finish jewelers school because I had exhausted my savings and had no money left and no income and no more unemployment. I attempted all sorts of ways to get money for school, jumped through I don't know how many hoops and no money came....but, I went to school anyway, thinking to myself nothing worth having will be easy...right? In retrospect, (I wish I didn't have to rely on retrospect to get on this world, but, I spend alot of time with ol' retrospect), I see that the obstacles, were not just hurdles I was supposed to go over in order to get what I wanted, but, the Universe telling me "hey, dummy, this is the wrong path, wrong choice, give up, look around, LISTEN TO YOUR HEART, your REAL HEART", eventually, money ran out and my sense came back and I abandoned my idea of becoming a full fledged jeweler and went back into an industry I hated out of fear and defeat. Wondering, what I am supposed to do, because I still had the feeling that I was in the wrong place, that my heart would not rest, be content until I honored it.

I reread my blog, all the way back to the beginning, just a few short months ago and looked for my heart and when I found my heart, I listened and decided I am without choice in the matter. When I made the decision to listen to my REAL heart, the peices fell into place and there were no obstacles. I begin school to become a medical assistant on July 20th! I got CPR certified the week after I was laid off and I had a meeting with my cardiologist asking him to support my decision and later on help me get a job in pediatric cardiology, the place where my heart belongs......right where my heart has always dwelled. I was always too busy just bulldozing through life, doing what I THOUGHT I was supposed to, that I did not hear any of the many calls bellowed out to me by the Divine.

Am I scared? Will this be hard? Will I have to eat top ramen for the next 18 months? Maybe. Perhaps these are the hurdles I am supposed to leap and, yes, it will be worth the effort, because, finally my heart will sing, instead of break.....as it so often does. I have experienced a real sense of peace since the decision was made and it was like a dream getting signed up for school - not a single obstacle to the financing, getting sponsored and accepting. I am worried about money, unemployment is available, but, I'm having some minor difficulties getting my claim started, but, I understand I am not alone and I am confident things will work themselves out...so, I keep telling myself, Have Faith, BELIEVE - trust your heart.....begin living your life.

What was I like at 13.......?

She's a good girl....really. She's everybody's friend and she is the champion of the underdog, everytime. And, she is very mature for her age, too mature. She looks after too many people and she's had to grow up too fast. I really regret that for her and wish that I could have done more to help her along....but, how much is too much for an aunt to do? I try to be there and listen and when it looks like she's thinking down a path that will hurt her I try to guide her without sounding like a judge....(I tend to be judgemental, I'm working on that, though). I discovered her MySpace page today and while most of it is really cute and it looks like she's having a ton of fun, her tag line is "f--k you" - and there is a photo of her flipping the camera off in her albums. While I already suspected foul language, I hoped that she might exercise some decorum with a networking sight that is so mainstream and that many people have been getting 'hurt' by. And, that many people exploit. I totally understand her having a place to exercise her point of view and to express herself, even if that means showing off with some attitude, but, I was disappointed with the tag line...am I over analyzing this? Is it okay for a 13 year old girl to use that phrase on the front of her MySpace page?

I sent her a private email, letting her know I thought she was too classy a kid to have that kind of phrase on her page and let her know I thought it was cool that she was expressing herself, but, that maybe she could rethink the tag line....and that even if she didn't see my point of view I would still respect her choice to leave that phrase on the page....I know, it's probably none of my business, but, I just don't want to see her hurt by it. She wants to come off soooo strong and all attitudinal and she is a strong kid, but, I don't think she's grown up enough to pull that phrase off on her page - furthermore, I think she is disrespecting herself by using that language and tone. Maybe if she gets hurt by it the lesson will mean more? But, maybe if an adult was watching out for her and just gave her information that she could ponder....?

I'm pretty sure her Dad doesn't know about the page or it's content and sometimes her Mom works too hard to be her friend, so, maybe no one is really giving her food for thought.

I'm trying to remember back that far and for some reason the selective memory is kicking in and I can't seem to find me at that age....and, we didn't have social networking pages on the internet when I was her age....the most I can remember at her age was riding my bike up and down the street and being shy around the neighborhood boys......I probably cussed, but, I knew better than to cuss in front of an adult, much less the whole world.

The Cruiser....chapter one

No emergency room visit as of yet.....but, it is still early. Fortunately for Blue Girl, the word exercise never crossed my mind as I cruised her up and down our private little road, using the neighbors drive way for a turn about. I did, however, have several flashbacks of my childhood and using our neighbors' drive ways in same way. Oh, the joy of the wind in my hair, which will be robbed from me as soon as I get the required helmet that I failed to wear for the maiden voyage. (I know, shame on me, I hope no children are viewing as they might get the wrong idea). And, a basket, I must have a basket and a BELL, oh, the bell is certainly required safety equipment. I will endeavor to obtain these items, as no Cruiser is truly complete without them.

I remember my childhood bike. I remember the banana seat and the big handle bars - it was actually a boys style bike and it had fat tires and the seat was a deep green gel type vinyl with sparkles in it. The handle bars had tassles. I hurt myself pretty bad on it one day after school - scraped my knee very deep and it bled alot. The scrape did not deter me, though, my knee healed up and I got back on the bike. Another good lesson, take your scrapes, get healed and get back on.....

Well, come back by when you get a chance and see how the Adventures of Blue Girl and her sidekick are going ..... ta for now.

The Cruiser......prologue

So, I was wandering through Wally World the other day.....and was completely caught off guard by this here bicycle....she called to me......Shannnnnnnoooonnnnnnn.....let's go for a ride! I really could not ignore this beautiful machine.....so I wandered over to her.....touched her shiny blueness and her fenders. What in the world would I do with this bicycle....mind you, I am not an athletic person, in fact, the word 'exercise' is a four letter word in my house, not because I believe that exercise is bad, it's just bad for me.....(tee hee hee hee heeeeee...) Well, maybe not bad for me, just, not FUN for me, never has been. So, back to blue girl....I looked at her price tag and decided I was mad for even considering such a purchase, I am, NOT EMPLOYED right now, so, such a purchase would be irresponsible and reckless...right? And, then, my valiant "Justifier" showed up..."You really do need to lose some weight, especially if you are going to go to school and get into the medical field - you should be healthy, not dumpy", then my Justifier said, "Well, this would be a swell way to cut down on your carbon imprint, the grocery is a mere stone's throw from the house and you could get a cute little basket for the handle bars and get your groceries on the bike", my Justifier went in to over time and even said, "You really need this bike, you and roomie could take rides in the evening around the 'hood and get some fresh air and EXERCISE"......

I benched the idea, because, really what the hell would I be doing with a bicycle? Right? So, I clipped and saved the pic of my Cruiser, Blue Girl and decided I would wish for her and use her for inspiration, and, put my silly obsession with her away and went on about my business. But, before I gave up completely I checked Craigslist for any used bikes I might be able to justify buying.....alas, no bikes fit the bill.

Still lightly harboring my desire for said Blue Girl, I mentioned her to my Dad, well, actually, I had printed out a pic of Blue Girl and was showing her off.....joking about how I might like to have a bicycle....especially Blue Girl. Dad, ever the hero, says, 'take the bike in the garage, sell it and buy the bike you want'. SWEET! He delivered the bike to my house on Wed - I posted an ad on Craigslist and today sold it for just the amount I need to buy Blue Girl - free money I say and yes, it's still irresponsible, but, I DO NOT CARE.

Blue Girl and I will be united tomorrow, early a.m. as roomie and I are headed for Wally World for household staples.....(this is going to be bad, I see an emergency room in my future).

Oh, the Fruits of one's Labor......

Behold, the fruits of my labor - seriously, I had nothing to do with it, but, am happy to take credit when I can get away with it! I present to you, the first lemon cucumber of the season. Such wonderful little, delicious delicacies....sliced, dusted with a little salt and sprinkled with a hint of rice wine vinegar....oh, the joy. The photo makes it look huge, but, it's actually smaller than a baseball.
The lemon cucumber plants get out of control in about 5 days and I won't be able to keep up with the picking and I think I really did myself in this year....because I planted four! Alas, I will have many to share and therefore, take credit for. Yippee!

And, then, the zuccini - oh Mr. Zucchini, you do surprise me - I was just in the garden but a few days ago and you were not there, how did you get so big so fast?


How lovely you are......so fresh and green - please tell me you and your relatives will not completely over take my garden with the lemon cucumbers....what? you plan to out run the lemon cucumbers.....hmmmmm. Oh, well, all the more to share you with everyone....and for me to get accolades.

Yes, I am a glutton for the adoration heaped upon me as I dole out vegetables from the garden....however, not so much when the neighbors quit answering the door when I arrive.....

Stay tuned for more garden adventures.....this year I am growing more than I usually do, .....yippeeeeeeeee!!

Mother Nature, showing me about growth.....

I tended to the garden today. I can see the garden from my bedroom window, so, I've been watching it from that vantage point, but, to date had not really spent anytime out there caring for it.  The weather today was kind and the sun was not too hot and a slight breeze kept me cooled off .  I pulled weeds, groomed plants, set tomato plants in baskets, finished setting up the watering system and to my surprise, found a vegetable!  Nestled in the wonder that is a Lemon Cucumber plant (they can get quite crazy) was a young, relatively big cucumber.  Several of the tomato plants actually had tomatoes on them....much to my surprise, as we have not had very much hot weather where I am, which is not normal.  I was afraid the garden was never going to really take off....as it was looking pretty peaked up until about a week ago.

I usually mother my garden quite attentively, but, I have been distracted by my exterior life and have not found the enjoyment in it that I used to....but, that one small, perfect Lemon Cucumber called me back to my desire to nurture. There were some other small encouragements....

The beginnings of a small pumpkin!  Cute, eh?  The garden is a reminder that I must tend to my whole life, not just the parts that are imperative, but, the parts that matter the most, the things that help me grow.  Each part must be nurtured and honored.  Things must be weeded like work that steals from my soul - groomed, like my house, so that I feel at home - watered, like my mind with reading and knowledge - and, honored, like going away to listen to my heart, soul and spirit.  The garden always teaches me lessons, even when I'm not looking.

5 Favorite things......

(one of my favorites)

So, I have been tagged!  I feel like Sally Field at the Oscars!  My new friend over at Moments of Perfect Clarity tagged me for a "Meme" - of which I actually had to look up in a dictionary.  It was obvious what my task was, list 5 categories with 5 favorite things...... this I could do, however, I was not sure how it related to a "MEME"....but, here I go......but, first, I have to say this was VERY hard.  I don't normally analyze what my favorites are....I am pretty easy to please, therefore, it's easier to pick out things I don't like than it is to say what my favorite is......except when it comes to things like chocolate - that I know is a 'favorite' but, to pick out a favorite book or song or movie film....for me, it depends on what's going on in my life as to what is my 'favorite' - I do have a favorite Niece, but, she is technically, my only niece, so, I'm sure that doesn't count and I have a favorite breed of dog, but, that's because at this time in my life, I have a Dauchsund.....so, this list took all day yesterday to write and I still don't feel like I've picked any real favorites.....I guess I'm just fickle!  So, with no further delay, MEME:

5 Favorite Movies Films:

Top Gun

Pride and Prejudice - the Kiera Knightly version

Taking Chance

Under the Tuscan Sun

28 Days

5 Favorite Songs - this one was hard, because favorite songs are too many:

In Color - Jamie Johnson

I Believe - Brooks and Dunn

Have I told you lately - Rod Stewart (My Mom sings this to me when we're all together partying)

Live like you were dyin' - Tim McGraw

Cowboys are my weakness - Trisha Yearwood

5 Favorite books: (I'm thinking the point behind this is 'fiction' however, I'm weird)

At Home in Mitford (the whole series) Jan Karon

Stephanie Plum series - Janet Evanovich

Joy of Cooking - Rombauer/Becker

Final Gifts - Callanon/Kelley

Simple Abundance - Sarah Ban Breathnach

5 Favorite Crushes:

Dr. Robert Achtel - my cardiologist

(because how could I not crush on a guy who saved my life, twice)

Jimmy Buffet - (lots of songwriters are my crushes, Jimmy just hit the list this week)

My Landlord

The Buddha

William Shakespeare

5 Favorite Random Things: (this even changed since yesterady when I complied my list)

Hydrangeas - as noted in the picture above

My Cameras - even the big one I don't know how to work right

My new Buddha (purchased at the Good Will)

White Citrus Body spray (bath and body works)

Marzipan Rose Delight Tea

Pondering the Future......

Well, my first Monday of unemployment went smashingly! I did all kinds of productive things, some of them even related to figuring out what I'm going to do for a living! Wooo Hoooo! The inkling from before is actually finding some ground and I think I'm going to forge a place for myself in a new field, where I can make a difference. I have some classes scheduled, in fact the first course is a Basic Life Saving skills class, where I will learn CPR and how to use an External Cardiac Difibulator! I'm very excited about the difibulator part - (somewhere part of that is just the tiniest bit evil, but, I'll pretend it is merely morbid curiousity) - as, I have an internal cardiac difibulator, I'm anxious to note the differences. (I know, I'm just weird that way). After that, there is a course in managing Adult Cardiovascular emergencies! YEee Hawwww! This one I'm really excited about, however, I was informed by the gentleman who puts the class on it might be just a wee bit technical for a lay person, so, he says he can set up a class between the BLS course and the ACLS class that might be a segue between the two. Anyway, I'm all amped up about the classes.

More Monday fun included finding a "Happy Buddha" for my altar....at, of all places, the Good Will! Isn't that the most appropriate place to find a Buddha? The "Good Will"? I just realized that....right now, while I was writing it. Ha! I kill myself. Yes, happy dilerium from finding the "Good Willed Buddha". I also enjoyed great success finding a couple of books I was looking for at the Good Will, so, overall, the good will was shared in many ways. Okay, I think that horse is dead.

What I'm really digging toward is this feeling of happiness I've been experiencing ever since Friday when they laid me off. I know, doom and gloom is supposed to follow something like that, but, I DO NOT FEEL THAT. I only feel happy and confident and calm. Maybe this means I'm done being a chicken? Maybe some of the things I've acquired along the Spiritual path I've been wandering down have fortified me and the calm is the gift I received from the journey. I don't really know what's going to happen next and for once in my life, I'm okay with that. I have an overwhelming sense of 'everything will be okay'. Perhaps it's just a weird euphoria that will wear off in a week or two and I'll have a complete meltdown and freak myself out again....Nah, I think I'm on my way to a full Recovery from a LIFE not lived! Huh, I might have to change the name of my blog.....something else to ponder.

Or, perhaps it's just the Buddha.............

(a little side note, the hole in his front is because he's actually a beverage holder...according to roomie, you used to be able to buy a drink in the Buddha at a local restaurant)

Sunday flora and fauna

Today we ran recon at the local nurseries.....looking for inspiration.  As per usual, I had my trusty pocket camera with me and was able to snap some lovely photos of the flora and fauna we happened upon.  I should have written down what I was shooting, however, that would have disrupted the spontenaity of it all, so, I'm calling this the big white flower......

And, this one, Purple flowers with BEE....isn't he great?  My roomie accompanied, she is not fond of BEEs and was not impressed with the photos of bees, however, WAS impressed with my bravery for shooting at them!

And, these lovely beauties....don't know what they are either, but, think they are, well, LOVELY.

And, one more, just for fun......(I'll save the rest for use in other posts) A BLUE FLOWER....name unknown to me. 

We had a LOVELY afternoon, wandering around the nursery contemplating what we should buy and where we'd put it.  Just taking in the beautiful weather, warm sunshine and gentle breeze, no schedule, no where in particular to be. 

Now, it's time for a nap......Ta!

And, so, the day came to move on.....

Without wasting any energy on the schmoe who was my boss, I was 'released' today....ie; laid off, due to the economic downturn of the branch of the company I worked for.....blah, blah, blah.....and what it really boiled down to is I was the pain in the ass who spoke up and wanted to make things better for all of us.....but, again, without wasting any energy on THAT, I have to say I am quite calm, considering.

Now, I can focus my energy directly on something new. And, while I'm brewing something up, I'm not exactly sure I have a place yet. This is scary. I bought my version of a bottle of wine on the way home, one pound of See's Candy, so, I can wallow for an evening.....however, I really don't have any wallowing left in me. I really did hate my job and the industry I was in, I wanted out and now I am, again. I hope (there she is again), that I am brave enough now to give something else a go - to endeavor to honor who I am and begin my 'real' life.

Dear Universe, please hear my call, I am ready to be all that I can be, (and, no, that does not include joining the Army, I am too old and out of condition), ready to give until it doesn't hurt anymore.......

Call me back........

Ode to Kaylee James.......

On this, the eve of her "Promotion Ceremony"......from middle school. My lovely, effervescent and extremely spoiled niece......She got her Dad's name in the middle...which we all think is quite cool, especially Kaylee, because how cool is it to be a pretty, smart and funny young lady, with a boys name in the middle, eh?

Kaylee can't decide which boy she likes, so, she makes friends with both. Kaylee talks so fast, if you blink, you'll miss what she is saying. Kaylee, has blond, naturally wavy hair and sparkly blue eyes and long, dark, eye lashes. I swear she must be her school's speed texting champion. She shuffles a mean iPod and knows the words to songs I can't understand. She worries about her clothes, her hair, her Mom and her Brother and her kajillion friends. Kaylee believes in Magic, not like a toddler believes in Santa Claus, however, Kaylee still believes in Santa, but, she believes in the Magic in the world and that Nature is Magical. She knows the importance of family and how to appreciate a Tradition and how to celebrate traditions. She loves to garden, pack for moving, clean out the garage and shop in antique stores and what to look for at the Good Will and garage sales. She's like a full grown adult, only not and most of the time I forget that she is only 13, because she's going on 30.

Kaylee, in case you haven't figured it out is my surrogate kid.....we're simpatico, we get each other. She listens to me and I listen to her. She loves to talk about the mysteries of life and asks intelligent questions and stores the information she receives. She is artistic, judgemental, bright, compassionate, smart mouthed (just like any self respecting teen), articulate, funny, shy, (not so much, but occasionally), outspoken and a defender of the underdog, even if it's not her underdog.

Kaylee is a blessing to me, a sparkle in the twilight, an inspiration, my hope.

She makes me HAPPY.......

(side note: photo taken when Kaylee was about 3, a pure luck shot with an old workhorse 35mm slr....My favorite picture of her....and her favorite picture of herself!)

Don't worry, Be HAPPY......a simple list

Giving back to the Universe, I would like to express my Gratitude for 10 things that make me happy:

1. The picture in this post makes me HAPPY, it reminds me of my beloved Mom J, who crochetted EVERYTHING - you name it, she figured out a way to crochette over it, around it, a replica of it......she was a whirling dervish of mad crochette skills and I miss her. (I would like to give credit to the 'artist' and photographer, but, know nothing of either).

2. This new web-site that sends you messages from the Universe: http://www.tut.com/notes/?action=notes. I received my first message this morning and it REALLY made me HAPPY.

3. My friends, they are so amazing, strong, brilliant, shining lights of LOVE....They make me HAPPY.

4. Looking forward to my trip to the Monastery. The idea that I will have space to myself to meditate, which I have no idea HOW to do, but, intend on pretending I do the whole three days I'm there. Knowing my heart will SING to me, as will my SPIRIT....this makes me HAPPY.

5. Finally deciding to REALLY move into my little house, that I've resisted embracing because I thought I might be leaving soon. It was like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. Deciding this, makes me HAPPY.

6. Unpacking boxes and rediscovering my treasures, just like having Christmas in JUNE.....this makes me HAPPY.

7. Reading in bed, with the window open and a wonderful, cool breeze blowing through the window, whilst candlelight flickers on the walls of my bedroom, makes me HAPPY.

8. My garden....it's finally taking off and lovely - green, florishing and HAPPY.

9. Texas. How could he not make me HAPPY. There's just something about a small creature being so HAPPY to see me, everytime I rematerialize in front of him. He is a clown, a love, a smartalec and a constant companion, a perfect example of unconditional LOVE. Yes, Texas makes me HAPPY, too.

10. Music. I cannot express in words how HAPPY music makes me. My friend and I shared music with each other yesterday, we liked each others selections. I love how music tunes my Soul and inspires my Spirit to DANCE!

The list is in no certain order of HAPPINESS quality......and of course, there are many other things that make me HAPPY, but, today is June 10th, therefore, as some of my other Blog Buddies have done, I listed 10!

Quiet Respite.......at last......

I have made my reservations! The New Clairveaux Abbey. A place for silent, solitude. For quiet, deep reflection. A place to stop the noise and listen to what the Divine is telling me. To really hear what my heart has to say and to find trust in my own intuition.

The noise really is deafening. Everyday, the din becomes louder, more chaotic. I find myself wishing only for a moment of peace. I only booked for 3 days....wishing I had the stamina for the 5 day offering, knowing myself well enough, I will be jonesing for my dog before the end of the 3 days. If only I could take him with me....but, he would distract me from my mission and I tend to find distractions when I really, really need to focus on excavating.

I am soooo close to finding my way, I feel it. Each day at work becomes just a little more suffocating and LOUD, the Universe is just yelling at me, "Hey, deaf, dumb and blind girl, OPEN UP, TAKE A CHANCE - BE BRAVE", and I just keep fumbling around waiting for the sky to open up and drag me kicking and screaming to my real life. I know I'm missing so much by holding my breath for this to happen, that is why I am going to the Monastery. Taking myself away from the din of the existence I have accepted - literally accepted as life. I know, SO mellow dramatic! I'm really quite excited about the adventure. What an opportunity to just be with myself, to accept who I am, to be my own company and truly open up.

In my mind, I've already begun a list of the items I will take with me.....when making my reservation I was advised that the 'dress' was casual - but, NO SHORTS. Whew, thanks for that! So, I figure, a camera, (or two, BIG and little) my computer for writing, note pads, pens and books. I'm still considering the 5 day stay....seems like 3 days might not be enough....I guess I shouldn't get ahead of myself....I can always return another time for a longer stay.......hmmm. Oh my, indecision can be painful.

So, the countdown begins!