Some more things I love.....

Columbine. I did not know I loved Columbine, until I discovered who she was....and isn't she just lovely? What a flower.

And connecting with a friend who you haven't talked to in a few weeks, who you absolutely adore and miss all the time that you haven't talked to her and you get to talk to her and it's like there was never a time when you didn't talk to her.....and making plans to hang out with said friend! And talking about all the things you've missed over the few weeks when you missed her.

Remembering that you have many creative facets and finding that you are ready to revisit some other forms of creativity you've let rest for too long.

Having a new roommate and finding out more about a friend as you spend time with them.

Watching an AMAZING fireworks show, courtesy of Mother Nature, completely unexpected and not typical for my geographical area......continual lightning for 30 minutes, with thunder on a contintual rumble following the lightning by at least 5 minutes. Dwelling in the awesomeness of the power behind a storm so energetic. I think I am literally charged with electricity right now. Kid you not, the storm just moved in within minutes and the light show just would not stop. In all of the years I've lived here I have NEVER witnessed a storm of this quality. It reminded me of an eastern seaboard type storm, all fire and drums!

Finding middle ground at a job you're not in love with, in order to stay while you need to. (because of this, I am oddly calm and comforted by a sense that everything is going to be okay and it will all shake out like it is supposed to).

Enjoynig a book, whilst cuddling with Texas on my bed.

Instead of choosing to fall off the wagon (not that I would, but, it's fun to tease about), buying my version of a bottle of wine - one pound of See's candy and endeavoring to savor each peice as an individual dessert....HA!

Hearing my BEST friend tell me the tests came back and she DOES NOT have diabetes and all of her 'numbers' are within normal ranges! Yippeeeeeeeee!

Remembering how lucky I am to, have a job, friends, a place to live, food to eat and a dog to love, not to mention, Chocolate!

Let me remember that each life must follow its own course, and that what happens to other people has absolutely nothing to do with what happens to me

(Marjorie Holmes)
I am tired tonight. Spent. I am not sure why, only that I can barely keep my eyes open and yet I am drawn to my computer if only to mark some space and time in the ether so that there is evidence that I was here. I had lunch with a friend today. We hadn't spent any time together in awhile and we covered some serious ground. She seems to be going through a similar growth spurt as I am. We are the same age, in the same field and have lots of similar theories on life, you could say we get each other. She and I have pondered many mysteries together, some quite deep, like "Is there a God?" And if there is, why is there pain in the world. We've also pondered Fairies and magic and Mother Earth. And some of the more mundane mysteries, like, why am I here? What's in this life for me? And, is this my first life and if I don't like the way this one is going can I have a do over?

Today we talked about some of the even more mundane mysteries, like what the hell am I supposed to be doing with my lfie and do I deserve to be happy? Of course we would tell each other "of course you deserve to be happy", only believing that the other deserved the happiness, because surely I have done something that justifies denial of my happiness.

Because we have set off on one path, does that mean we cannot change course and venture out onto another trail? Do we have to hold ourselves back because a previous committment that may no longer apply to our current lives weighs us down? Can we rightfully claim our desire to be happy and act on it, now, in the later part of our life, when we have begun to learn who we truly are? Is denying our happiness either a form of punishment or committment? Loyalty? We are all struggling to figure out who we are and where we fit in this world and sometimes it takes awhile to get to a place where the wonder of who we truly are begins to dawn on us. It is when this happens that we are faced with the hardest decisions of our lives....do we stay stuck in the past, dragging along the baggage that we kept near us like a security blanket, or do we shed it and grow, allowing ourselves the acknowledgement that we deserve to be happy. Are we obligated to hold ourselves back at the presipice of discovery because we do not want to be considered cruel for moving on. Accusing ourselves of abandonment.....

I say we are not obligated, no one has the power to deny us our happiness but ourselves. We can give that power away by looking for a reason to stay in the past out of fear. Really it's only fear. Fear that if we venture out and finally release ourselves to be happy, we will be.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined" Thoreau

Go confidently. Yes I believe confidently is the way I want to go, but, where to find the confidently part......searching, endlessly for that confidence to live the life I've always imagined. I have been a long time observer of how to LIVE, yet, never actually a participant. I am a photographer, a documentor of livng, yet, somehow always hiding behind that lens. I know, just a cop out, right? Seriously, though, I see life as a photo op most of the time. I find beauty in things from that angle. When I'm not behind the lens, so to speak, it seems I can't make my life appear beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I have many, many, things to be grateful for. And, I voice that gratitude every chance I get....but, I find that it is easier to complain, to gripe and that holds me back. It holds us all back. I've recently gone to work with a friend, who I love dearly, but, I never realized how much negativity she puts out. My photo lens of her was obvioulsy skewing my perception of her. From my original perspective of her, she is an extremely accomplished individual, who could and has done just about anything she wanted, including traveling the world from a young age to mastering many types of jobs to stunning people into awed silence by her beauty...yet, she is unhappy, not living the life she has always imagined.....this has been a revelation to me, becuase I could not figure out for the life of me how she could be unhappy and then it hit me....she doesn't know what would make her happy, therefore, cannot make the changes she needs to make in order to be happy. And that is when the real lightning bolt struck....this is why it is easier for me to gripe and complain and stay in a job I hate and do only what I must in order to survive, I don't know what would make me truly happy. However, I have an inkling of what would make me happy, I've been feeling these growing pains for about 3 years now, really struggling to live with my choices, forcing myself to do things that I think I should (you know the "shoulds" will actually kill you), because that is what I have always done. Be a good girl, take care of everyone but yourself, don't cross against the light, don't rock the boat, make sure to wear underwear, don't drink, don't smoke, eat right, take your medicine, let them install an electrical shock unit in your chest so you don't die of possible v-tach.....you know just mundane crap like that. As these growing pains have, well, grown, I have grown, too, and I made a serious effort in exploring the origins of these pains and what I discovered is that you can't unlearn 43 years of conditioning in 8 months, no matter how hard you try. Yeah, I know, silly me, thought I could just speed through it and get on with my life, but, alas, that is not how the universe works, right? So, back to the inkling, I need to feel like I am giving back....no cliche here, the truth, helping someone, helping a cause, being the solution, not the problem. I am not the tree hugger type, one of the people who live in a tree to save it, however, there are things I am passionate about and experiences that I have lived that make me uniquely qualified to give back in a big way and that my friends is what I am going to do. I am here, blogging, as a way to keep me honest with myself, a committment of sorts, if you will, to SHOW UP, every single day and GO CONFIDENTLY IN THE DIRECTION OF MY DREAMS AND LIVE THE LIFE I HAVE IMAGINED.