Pink Promise.....a life affirmation.

Over the weekend, Sunday to be exact, my friends and family planted the "Pink Promise" rose out at the Ranch in honor of those we love and have loved who have and are battling Breast Cancer. This isn't a cause I rally for.....regrettably, I have my own cause, Heart Defects that I rally for, but, I could not look away anymore. I wrote a post a couple of months ago about living like you were dying.....I mentioned my step sister - she battled Breast Cancer and beat it the first time.....but, it's back, in different places and she began chemo treatments on Friday. I cannot know what it is like for the warrior who battles this horrific disease, but, I can and do know what it is like to watch loved ones suffer- and it sucks.

I was at the Home Depot on Sunday when I called to speak with my Mother, to get the latest news on my step sister - my Mother, who, while sometimes lives with rose colored glasses, was not her usual rosy self. This I could not take. She gave me the most recent information, that did not seem exactly positive, she, seemed defeated. This I could not take. After our phone call, I made my way into the store, tear filled eyes - I could not hold back my sadness - as I was loading a cart with my garden soil, there, next to the dirt was a display of roses "Pink Promise", a rose for the awareness of Breat Cancer - isn't it swell how the Universe, The Divine speaks to you.....just as you need it to, when you need it to, inspiration is placed in front of you. Of course, I bought a rose, called my Dad and asked him to prepare a place - I was bringing out the rose and when my friends arrived, we would have a planting ceremony. Each of us has known someone who has battled cancer, some have won, others have lost - each of us had someone to honor as we planted Pink Promise. We all cried, laughed and gave of our hearts, telling the Universe, The Divine, we are supporting each other, fighting shoulder to shoulder, kicking ass and taking names.....do not mess with us or our Sisters. The ceremony was an affirmation of our friendship, our familial bond and our Spirit, a small gesture in a big battle, that gave us all hope. (There she is agin, HOPE!)

We enjoyed our day emensly, celebrating life, eating, laughing, LIVING - in honor of those we love.

http://anenlightenedheart.blogspot.com/2009/02/live-like-you-were-dyin.html

Personal responsibility - What did you sign up for?

Okay, I've started and restarted this post 4 times now. I have a lot of emotions running around me right now and can't seem to lasso one single issue to tag down. I started out with a rant about computer issues, started again about my new Astrology course, restarted that one. Started again about tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy, scrapped that and went back to Astrology. What's really bothering me is whether or not I'm bipolar - in the truest sense of the medical diagnosis. I don't really think I am, but, periodically, I feel bipolar and I begin to doubt how I show up, how I take care of myself. Am I being overly defensive? Am I being judgemental? Of course, I judge myself all the time, but, how far does that judge reach? And, if I am judging myself so harshly, what am I really digging at. I hate my job, no secret, right? So, I'm thinking the more uncomfortable my job gets, the more bipolar I become. (I am not making fun of any kind of mental illness). I want my job to be tolerable until such time that I can move on, but, in a way that I am taking care of myself, not in a jumping off the ledge kind of way- so, I rally between good days and bad days. Feels like this week had more bad days than good. So, more bipolarness.

Qualifying my bipolarness. I am a Sag with a Pisces rising - fire and water. I want to be big, bold, jump off the cliff into the great unknown, but, I hold back, the water puts out my fire. I am not bipolar, but, to the naked eye, maybe I am. I am probably the most self analyzed person I know. I have honed my 3rd party observer to the point that I actually catch myself standing outside of myself watching myself as I act out - misbehave, so to speak. Sometimes it's hysterical - sometimes I'm hysterical, either way, I am living. Some days I'm 2, others, 80 (can't wait to drink again), but, either way, living. The blog is about finding my way through the living part.

I began the blog as a documentary of my recovery - and I am enjoying it. Reading back to the older posts I can see that I've moved past some of my grief, some of my pain and I am moving forward. I get side tracked every so often, but, I am forward moving. I'm not hurting anyone - I'm not running anyone down, I'm not dragging anyone around with me, I'm just living. Working through the pain. Observing myself. Using my words to mark my progress. Almost like those little marks on the wall that your folks make as you're growing up to show how much you've grown, you know what I mean.

This is how I live. I am living on the terms I agreed to, however uncomfortable I may be, this is what I signed up for, I am being responsible for what I choose. At the very least, I'm observing, examining and modifying as I go along. I think the Grey's Anatomy episode got to me.......

So, from my own blog, a personal statement I made the night I set the blog up:

"To really live.....quit waiting for tomorrow....what if tomorrow never comes....what if you wake up, get dressed and head off to that job you hate and you get hit by a bus on the way.....what will you regret NOT doing? Telling someone you're sorry for hurting them? Giving your kid the 'attaboy' he or she needs to get them to the next level in their growth? Telling your friends how much they mean to you? Being there for your spouse when they've had a really bad day? Or, maybe you keep saying you're going to finally become the person you were meant to be......and you missed your chance because you didn't believe that NOW IS THE RIGHT TIME!".

Here I am, just trying to get it right....one day at a time.

Moved.....to tears

Well, the move is done. I am spun. I knew it would be difficult and sad. On moving day things were so crazy and the ever watchful eye of my parents huddled over me, so, to save them, I held my composure. Since moving day, I've been so busy starting the process of settling, while still working 10 hour days and literally falling into bed only to read until I dozed off, that I have not allowed myself the emotional release I have waiting at the gate, until today. I had to return to the Ranch to leave some things for my Dad and to collect some of my own. He was not there, no one was, not even a spirit. I shuddered as I walked in through the garage door as I did so many days before, even in the days when Mom J was there, knowing the landscape of her dining nook and living room had changed dramatically. The tears began and they fell, undaunted by my will not to cry, literally pouring down my cheeks, spilling on my jacket and the floor. I walked through the house, still crying, looking in each room, recognition of all the things my Dad moved in and recognition of my heart, still mourning my Grandmother, even now, so far away from her departure, pulled on the tears. The mixture of his things and her memory just felt like a betrayal. I don't know how else to describe it. My Grandmother did not want my Dad to have her house, but, My Mother beleived that him owning it, not losing it, was the lesser of two evils. I am conflicted by my loyalty to my Grandmother and my desire to some day own the house myself. These things all play into my muddle of emotions. Family loyalties are tricky, even ones that are not coupled with any truly bad feelings between family members, they sometimes are even harder to sort out because there is no clearly defined betrayal. I've been trying to work this out in my head and my heart for many months now, knowing this day would come. I have not come to terms with it and am going to find it hard to settle in where I am and still go out to the Ranch to visit my Father. As I write this, I know I need to find a way to let go, to give myself the necessary grieving time for the 'loss' of my home, to love myself enough to say, "It's okay to cry, to feel, to live with what you're feeling and to honor your heart". More grief, more growing, more pain, all a part of really living. So, for this moment, I choose to look forward instead of behind......because really living is what I want to do.

Writing even just a little, everyday............

So, I've been busy. Livng. Well, packing, too. I actually went out Saturday night, something I rarely do, with friends for a birthday celebration. A great time was had by all, especially the birthday girl. We saw an amazing Celtic band, Tempest, and I did my best to 'dance me boots off'! I have skills as a silversmith, so, I spent most of Saturday fabricating my friend's birthday gift, so, I didn't get much packing done, therefore, I spent ALL DAY Sunday packing....literally, from 7:30 a.m to 8:00 p.m., I was exhausted when it was time to get up for work today. I think the older I get, the shorter the days get. I can't even believe it's already March 2009. It feels like it was only yesterday when I moved in here. I had so many plans for how I was going to change my life and despite the fact that I have almost completely reverted back to where I was before I moved in here, I know that I am a different person today, much different. I also feel stronger than I ever have, more at peace with who I am, or rather who I am allowing myself to become......ME. I've been reading a new book and a piece of advice from the book is to write everyday, even if it's just a little bit, just do it everyday. I'm behind a few days, however, living gives us things to write about, right? And, so, I write. I had an opportunity today to go by my new home and see it empty, which helped me get a perspective of how my belongings are going to fit in the place, I took photos. My friend, Ricky is getting the place all cleaned up and fixing some things that needed taking care of. I believe it will make a good home for me. At least for right now, while I am excavating my soul for guidance regarding my future. I am anxious to get settled at the new place, I need to feel rooted for awhile. As much as I love my Grandmother's house and hate to leave it, truly for the almost two years I've lived here I've known it was always temporary. Now, I can be indefinitely rooted, or rather, I do not have a 'due date' for the time being. This is somewhat liberating and I am looking forward to that simple freedom. With that stability, I can actually focus on writing, make it part of my day, everyday, not just on the days when I'm not packing. I've included one of the photos I took of the new place, should have taken a pic of the outside, but, it slipped my mind, I was more interested in where all of my furniture was going to go. Silly me.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined" Thoreau

Go confidently. Yes I believe confidently is the way I want to go, but, where to find the confidently part......searching, endlessly for that confidence to live the life I've always imagined. I have been a long time observer of how to LIVE, yet, never actually a participant. I am a photographer, a documentor of livng, yet, somehow always hiding behind that lens. I know, just a cop out, right? Seriously, though, I see life as a photo op most of the time. I find beauty in things from that angle. When I'm not behind the lens, so to speak, it seems I can't make my life appear beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I have many, many, things to be grateful for. And, I voice that gratitude every chance I get....but, I find that it is easier to complain, to gripe and that holds me back. It holds us all back. I've recently gone to work with a friend, who I love dearly, but, I never realized how much negativity she puts out. My photo lens of her was obvioulsy skewing my perception of her. From my original perspective of her, she is an extremely accomplished individual, who could and has done just about anything she wanted, including traveling the world from a young age to mastering many types of jobs to stunning people into awed silence by her beauty...yet, she is unhappy, not living the life she has always imagined.....this has been a revelation to me, becuase I could not figure out for the life of me how she could be unhappy and then it hit me....she doesn't know what would make her happy, therefore, cannot make the changes she needs to make in order to be happy. And that is when the real lightning bolt struck....this is why it is easier for me to gripe and complain and stay in a job I hate and do only what I must in order to survive, I don't know what would make me truly happy. However, I have an inkling of what would make me happy, I've been feeling these growing pains for about 3 years now, really struggling to live with my choices, forcing myself to do things that I think I should (you know the "shoulds" will actually kill you), because that is what I have always done. Be a good girl, take care of everyone but yourself, don't cross against the light, don't rock the boat, make sure to wear underwear, don't drink, don't smoke, eat right, take your medicine, let them install an electrical shock unit in your chest so you don't die of possible v-tach.....you know just mundane crap like that. As these growing pains have, well, grown, I have grown, too, and I made a serious effort in exploring the origins of these pains and what I discovered is that you can't unlearn 43 years of conditioning in 8 months, no matter how hard you try. Yeah, I know, silly me, thought I could just speed through it and get on with my life, but, alas, that is not how the universe works, right? So, back to the inkling, I need to feel like I am giving back....no cliche here, the truth, helping someone, helping a cause, being the solution, not the problem. I am not the tree hugger type, one of the people who live in a tree to save it, however, there are things I am passionate about and experiences that I have lived that make me uniquely qualified to give back in a big way and that my friends is what I am going to do. I am here, blogging, as a way to keep me honest with myself, a committment of sorts, if you will, to SHOW UP, every single day and GO CONFIDENTLY IN THE DIRECTION OF MY DREAMS AND LIVE THE LIFE I HAVE IMAGINED.