Quiet respite?

I miss my old home. This little beauty, who's name I don't know is all over the place out at the Ranch. I go out there to visit Dad and of course, the 'grounds'. Texas and I took a walk and found all kinds of stuff to take pics of.....I love that old place and although it's hard to 'visit' only, I know it's there for me. I get such a sense of peace when I am there, I feel calm and serene. I feel the energy of the country, the feeling of Mother Nature embracing me. Corny, eh? But, seriously, I FEEL the Earth vibrating. It's really an amazing feeling. Lately, any soft, serene, comforting energy is abundantly therapuetic. The resume's are done and on their way out! Wooo Hooo....I've made some connections and am hopfeful that change is just around the corner. My visit last weekend with my friend was SO inspiring it's carried me through this past week.

I've located a Monastery in the north coast that rents rooms......no organized retreat, just rooms, when they have them available, they only give you information about the availability if you write to them....snail mail....so, I sent my letter today! I'm really curious about the accomodations and hopeful that I will be visiting them soon. The lure of quiet solitude, a place for contemplation, a place to fill my resevoir with Spirit and to be able to listen without distraction to what the Divine has to say.....Oh that I could just be quiet for a small respite.....(that rhymes, he he he he).

Hope is bubbling within......

A small, smattering of what brings me joy, peace and comfort....

I love the surprise of something in bloom wafting through my front door, only to discover it is the orange tree in full bloom in my neighbor's front yard. I love the sun as it shines through the leaves on the tree in the front yard and the pattern the shade creates on the porch. I love the watchful eye of my small dog as he observes me working around the house, hopefull that I will perch soon so that he might rest his chin upon my leg. I love the feeling of a freshly made bed when you crawl into it for the first time. I love long conversations with a friend who you can say anything to, or nothing at all and she still knows what you mean, or who finishes your thoughts even before you know what the rest of your thought is. I love believing that everyone is made perfect and whole just the way they are and wanting each person to believe that for themselves. I love the ritual of brewing a pot of tea, the loose leaf kind, in a china teapot with boiling water and then using sugar tongs and cubed sugar to sweeten it. I love boiled shrimp, hot or cold with drawn butter. I love picture frames, so much that I have 3 HUGE rubbermaid tubs full and that I have to fight with myself not to buy any more. I love new books, especially if they are on sale, books big, small, fiction, non-fiction, hardback, paperback, jacketed, unjacketed. I love new music, too, country, new, old, classic, rock, 80's, 40's, 70's, big band, classical, celtic, Christmas. I love seeing the hummingbirds at the feeder, especially when I didn't know they had found it yet. I love watching for my seeds to germinate and seeing the tender seedlings as they break the surface of the dirt in their little germinating houses. I love Fourbucks' peppermint mocha, too much. I love finding the right spot for hanging my framed art works. I love a big, open, empty white wall and all of it's possibilities - what to hang there in the open white space and what not to hang there. I love the handmade curio cabinet my Father made for me 13 years ago and dusting and cleaning the glass on it just as I'm getting ready to load it up with my prized possessions. I also, love that the curio cabinet has endured many moves with me and not one scratch, dent or ding has appeared in it's wood and the glass has never been broken - knock on wood. I love a Sunday afternoon nap, one that sneaks up on you as you lay in your bed reading and the drowsiness overtakes you. I love a new tube of Carmex lipbalm, just out of it's funny little box. I love a slow moving ceiling fan that gently moves the air around the room. I love that every azalea bush I drive by in my new neighborhood is in full bloom and the yards with azalea bushes look like rides at an amusement park. I love that no matter what is going on in my life, I am stuck wtih HOPE, she is always there, lurking, stalking, whispering, prodding, needling, reminding me that I cannot ditch her, no matter how many times I've tried to give up, she just won't allow it.

That is just a small, smattering of all that I love......all that brings me joy, peace and comfort.

"Live like you were dyin'".

Second chances. I've been thinking about them alot since the beginning of this year. Last year was spent dwelling on the past; mine, my family's, even the World's past.....things aren't like they used to be. There are so many times I've wished for a do over, thought to myself, "I would have done that differenlty if I'd have known this was how it was going to be". In fact, I feel like I spend alot of time living with regret. That is no way to live a life, right? Regrets really started to chase me very shortly after my Grandmother died, literally. Living in her house, while I had her as a captive audience, I had the perfect opportunity to talk to her.....pull out the old family photos and dig up old stories about the characters who permeate my DNA, but, I was paralyzed by the thought of actually acknowledging, outloud, that Mom J was going. She and I danced around the subject of her departure, but, neither of us dealt with it straight on, it was just an elephant in the room. So many things live like an elephant in the room in my family. This is just one of many regrets I am chewing on. But, my biggest regret so far is getting to the age that I am and not living up to my potential, it is a waste of life. I believe there is greatness in each of us and some of us just take longer than the others to discover it. My committment to this blog is my promise to myself to erase that regret and begin to live my life fully. But, backing up to second chances......There are four big events, or rather, examples of why second chances are staring me in the face....almost like I'd have to be stupid to waste one more minute living in fear of LIVING. I have survived open heart surgery 3 times......pretty soon I'm going to give a cat a run for the money......I've had my fair share of 2nd chances, right? Then, 3 important people in my life have had 2nd chances, first, my step-sister survives breast cancer, Her step-father, Arnie, survives prostate cancer, My dear friend survives a near fatal motorcycle wreck, they live....they promise to do things differently, even I have.....especially after my last surgery in 2005, the year I turned 40......the reason regret is chasing me.....Arnie died January 5th from a relapse of the the cancer, he spent most of last year doing the things he swore he would do after he survived the first battle.......only scratching the surface of the life he really wanted to live....my step sister, the cancer is back, in her bones......she found out days before her step fathers' wake. I feel so shameful, how could I be lolly gagging along in this life, letting myself just survive....letting fear hold me back, cutting myself slack, "you'll have tomorrow, relax today"....who am I kidding, who are any of us kidding. You can take nothing for granted, not even tomorrow. I swear it's like I'm in a ship that is sinking and the cabin is almost full of water and the air is running out. Everyday I race through the day wishing it was over (mostly because I hate my job, but, that's why I'm here writing, to right that wrong), so that I can get home to 'live' instead of 'just survive', 'cause what the hell is just surviving about? Do you see now why I have this overwhelming sense of time running out, maybe I'm not going to get another 'do over'? I've had three, right? So, do I get anymore.....Arnie didn't, Candace might not....my friend, she lived and changed some big things in her life, but, she's not really living, she's not even sure she's happy. Second chances don't always come along and I've been wasting all of mine. After the surgery in 2005 I thought to myself I should really make the effort to change things, to step everything up in my life, really committ to my work or figure out what I'd rather do and do it, instead of just dreaming about it, but, life (not living, just life) got in the way and I never seemed to "find the time to make changes". What the hell is that? "find the time"? Time is the currency, it is all we have to bank on, some of us less than others. So, like my horrible money management skills, I feel like I am frittering my potential away, waiting (wasting time) for my life to just HAPPEN. More regret. Ah, it's just a vicious cycle, and I'm circling the drain. Here is my real second chance, in these words, in this blog, in this risk I take everytime I write, everytime I open myself up just a little more. Showing myself, braving the possibility of being known, shedding these regrets. Since I began the blog and allowed myself this small outlet, truly I have felt a small change in myself, if nothing else, but a subtle shift in my outlook, the perspective with which I see the future, more rosey than blue, more like a real second chance than a regret.

"Like tomorrow was the end

And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it

What should you do with it

What can I do with it

What would I do with it

And I loved deeper

And I spoke sweeter

And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'

And he said some day I hope you get the chance

To live like you were dyin' "

"Into each life some rain must fall". Theresa Brewer

It has been raining where I live off and on for the last couple of weeks. This is good, as we are in need of the rainfall and because I like the rain. This photo was taken about a week ago just as a major storm was rolling in. I live at the base of the foothills in Northern California.....NO, it's not always sunny in California....and thank God, because how boring would that be? Anyway, I am looking to the east, towards the Sierra Nevadas....well, the foothills of them, anyway and the sky was almost black, very ominous, foreboding and dangerous. For me, there was excitement in the air, you could feel the energy, the power and force of the storm on it's way. I am fortunate enough to live here at the base of the foothills, out in the country, so as to enjoy nature at it's most honest. You know, without city lights dulling the stars and city noise camaflauging the sounds of the birds and weather. The beauty of it all is very captivating. The seasons remind us how to live. And, spring is, I believe the loveliest of the seasons....renewal, new beginnings, rebirth, cleansing and growth. Within just a few days of the beginning of the rainy season, with just a day or two of sunshine between storms, the Earth begins to rejuvinate and Mother Nature begins her lessons, showing us how to begin as well. Small buds on the trees begin to open up, blossoming into this year's fruition, be it leaves, flowers or fruit, they are the rebirth of nature. The pasture becomes green again after a long summer, fall and winter of dull, taupe, not really brown and not really gray, just taupe. The trees begin to stand taller, I know this is only a perception on my part, but, I swear the Oaks on our property change their stance as Mother Nature begins to heal them from the drought of the other seasons. The local 'weeds' start to take over the garden and flower with their special gifts. And, even in the storms that provide the much needed percipitation, I hear the birds singing their songs of hope and inspiration for the coming year. When the vegatation here on the old Ranch is green, it does not matter that it has taken over and is out of control, only that it appears like a beautiful emerald green reminder of hope.