Sunday, May 31, 2009

Fun, food and other stuff....

Ah, the comfort of a day with friends, good food and laughter. What a way to end a weekend....
(ha). I had my girls around me today. The people I know I can count on when I reach out. We had a celebration just because we could. We celebrated each other, our friendship and the beauty that is Mother Nature. I swear it was the perfect day. Just one more of the things I have to be grateful for.

Thank you, Divine Spirit, for this perfect day, from an Open Heart.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Shells....and things.

So, it looks like the Borders reward card is becoming a problem.....sort of. They send me coupons and I cannot resist buying another book! So, last night, I bought 4! Two were on clearance and two I used coupons to buy! I'm quite the saver, eh? I could not resist a tiny book "A Golden Guide to Seashells of the World", I love the ocean and seashells, talk about magical energy. I have many shells in my home, strewn about, vibrating their ocean energy and other small talismen of water energy. My new little book is an addition to the SEA collection! Another wonderful, colorful, exciting book I picked up is about Astronomy, what with my Astrology course, it seemed appropriate to study the stars and planets from a scientific perspective, plus the pictures were really awesome! (the book was amazingly cheap - gotta love that clearance aisle) and then my other two choices were fiction for fun: "The Guernsy Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society" by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows - I've heard nothing about it, however, Borders has been really showcasing it and I thought, what the hey and picked it up - it was literally all over the store on different displays, so, I gotta assume I was supposed to buy it, right? I began reading it last night and it is quite enjoyable so far, I'll let y'all know when I'm done what I really thought. And, my fourth choice a Paulo Coelho Book, "The Witch of Portobello", One of the book's descriptive tag lines goes like this: "How do we find the courage to always be true to ourselves - even if we are unsure of what we are?". Given my current state of affairs - work being awful, trying to find my place in the world, it seemed to call me. I only know of Paulo Coehlo from "The Alchemist" which I don't really remember enjoying, as it was an assingned read by a former boss, who really didn't practice any of the thought provoking advice he claimed he received from HIS reading list.....that aside, I am on occasion easily persuaded by a thought provoking book cover and equally provoking, there you have it, my Friday Night Bookstore RUN - I don't drink, so, I might as well spend my money on reading! Right?

So, off to do my errands and get ready for my new roommate.....she needs a place to land before she jumps off again, so, hoping to make this place I live in more like a home, I invited her to stay.
She arrives late this afternoon, so, I figured I better at least clean out the fridge of two weeks worth of leftovers and partial cans of that it doesn't scare her the first night.

I'll return soon with book reviews!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Quiet respite?

I miss my old home. This little beauty, who's name I don't know is all over the place out at the Ranch. I go out there to visit Dad and of course, the 'grounds'. Texas and I took a walk and found all kinds of stuff to take pics of.....I love that old place and although it's hard to 'visit' only, I know it's there for me. I get such a sense of peace when I am there, I feel calm and serene. I feel the energy of the country, the feeling of Mother Nature embracing me. Corny, eh? But, seriously, I FEEL the Earth vibrating. It's really an amazing feeling. Lately, any soft, serene, comforting energy is abundantly therapuetic. The resume's are done and on their way out! Wooo Hooo....I've made some connections and am hopfeful that change is just around the corner. My visit last weekend with my friend was SO inspiring it's carried me through this past week.

I've located a Monastery in the north coast that rents organized retreat, just rooms, when they have them available, they only give you information about the availability if you write to them....snail, I sent my letter today! I'm really curious about the accomodations and hopeful that I will be visiting them soon. The lure of quiet solitude, a place for contemplation, a place to fill my resevoir with Spirit and to be able to listen without distraction to what the Divine has to say.....Oh that I could just be quiet for a small respite.....(that rhymes, he he he he).

Hope is bubbling within......

Saturday, May 23, 2009

.....And the veil is lifted......

Wow, been a couple of weeks.....miss this. I can't believe it's been 13 days since I posted. I have found my books, unloaded them to my book shelves and now I feel whole again, sort of. I missed my books.....still missing a few, but, I think they may still be in a box which is not necessarily marked "books". Last night I located my spiritual books, ie; six different Bibles and various other books on different religious doctrines. The Spirit within is pinning for some refreshment, some knowledge. I have been reading Caroline Myss's "Sacred Contracts" and it spurned on some interest in some other Spiritual paths.

Things at work have been more painful and the conversation has been had that maybe I should move on, just between my friend and myself, but, nonetheless, a big external notification from the Universe it is time to move on.

And, the Sacred Contract concept is giving me food for thought. Because of that thought I sought out a very wonderful and wise friend of mine for a morning of counsel. She was just what the doctor ordered and all is right with the World again. Ha Ha. We spent the morning talking about the path we are each on and how we got there and how things might move forward for me and about how she is doing what she know's she is supposed to be. I am endeavoring to live my life as authentically as I can and each day what is 'authentic' is more clearly defined for me. We talked about how we all have a contract with each other and sometimes our contract is only for a short time with some people and about how other contracts are for the duration. My friend is very spiritual and you can just feel that warm, loving, compassionate energy emenating off of her, I love to be in her company. She quiet literally saved my spiritual life a few years ago and I am always reminded of that when we are together, it reminds me to be grateful for our contract!

I am going to get back on the right path, service to others, I feel. My friend and I talked about some volunteer options that might add to my resume and strengthen my cause for change - complete change. When called to something, pain comes when we ignore it and I am feeling real pain. I even entertained the idea of selling off all of my belongings and finding a Monastery to seek out my Divine purpose for the rest of the year. My friend, ever practical pointed out that they would not let me bring my dog and that shot down all possibility of me going in that diretion. But, it got me to thinking, I could perhaps go on a Spiritual retreat somewhere locally for a weekend or week and excavate from there. Then I could keep my dog.

Lots to ponder, as my friend was faithful in her role and shined the light for me. Off I go, for now. I, again, will endeavor to meet back here daily........

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Horoscope for week of May 11-17

"The answers you seek (especially when it comes to career direction) aren't floating around in the ether - in fact, many can only be found within youreself. Deep down, you know what you should be changing and doing - so change it, and do it".

Well if that isn't a message from the Universe.....A good way to start the week!

And, so with that I give you:

This is the beginning of a new day,
I have been given this day to use as I will,
I can waste it or use it for good.
What I do today is important because
I am exchanging a day of my life for it.

When tomorrow comes
This day will be gone forever
Having in it's place whatever I have traded for it.

Gain, not loss
Good, not evil
Success, not failure.

In order that I shall not forget the price
I paid for the day of my life. investment in my future?

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Personal responsibility - What did you sign up for?

Okay, I've started and restarted this post 4 times now. I have a lot of emotions running around me right now and can't seem to lasso one single issue to tag down. I started out with a rant about computer issues, started again about my new Astrology course, restarted that one. Started again about tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy, scrapped that and went back to Astrology. What's really bothering me is whether or not I'm bipolar - in the truest sense of the medical diagnosis. I don't really think I am, but, periodically, I feel bipolar and I begin to doubt how I show up, how I take care of myself. Am I being overly defensive? Am I being judgemental? Of course, I judge myself all the time, but, how far does that judge reach? And, if I am judging myself so harshly, what am I really digging at. I hate my job, no secret, right? So, I'm thinking the more uncomfortable my job gets, the more bipolar I become. (I am not making fun of any kind of mental illness). I want my job to be tolerable until such time that I can move on, but, in a way that I am taking care of myself, not in a jumping off the ledge kind of way- so, I rally between good days and bad days. Feels like this week had more bad days than good. So, more bipolarness.

Qualifying my bipolarness. I am a Sag with a Pisces rising - fire and water. I want to be big, bold, jump off the cliff into the great unknown, but, I hold back, the water puts out my fire. I am not bipolar, but, to the naked eye, maybe I am. I am probably the most self analyzed person I know. I have honed my 3rd party observer to the point that I actually catch myself standing outside of myself watching myself as I act out - misbehave, so to speak. Sometimes it's hysterical - sometimes I'm hysterical, either way, I am living. Some days I'm 2, others, 80 (can't wait to drink again), but, either way, living. The blog is about finding my way through the living part.

I began the blog as a documentary of my recovery - and I am enjoying it. Reading back to the older posts I can see that I've moved past some of my grief, some of my pain and I am moving forward. I get side tracked every so often, but, I am forward moving. I'm not hurting anyone - I'm not running anyone down, I'm not dragging anyone around with me, I'm just living. Working through the pain. Observing myself. Using my words to mark my progress. Almost like those little marks on the wall that your folks make as you're growing up to show how much you've grown, you know what I mean.

This is how I live. I am living on the terms I agreed to, however uncomfortable I may be, this is what I signed up for, I am being responsible for what I choose. At the very least, I'm observing, examining and modifying as I go along. I think the Grey's Anatomy episode got to me.......

So, from my own blog, a personal statement I made the night I set the blog up:

"To really live.....quit waiting for tomorrow....what if tomorrow never comes....what if you wake up, get dressed and head off to that job you hate and you get hit by a bus on the way.....what will you regret NOT doing? Telling someone you're sorry for hurting them? Giving your kid the 'attaboy' he or she needs to get them to the next level in their growth? Telling your friends how much they mean to you? Being there for your spouse when they've had a really bad day? Or, maybe you keep saying you're going to finally become the person you were meant to be......and you missed your chance because you didn't believe that NOW IS THE RIGHT TIME!".

Here I am, just trying to get it day at a time.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

"A single rose can be my garden...a single friend, my world". Leo Buscaglia

Well, I think I've exceeded my limit on blogging today.....been more than prolific, now that I've lifted the 'sanctioned' parameters of how I blog... I feel quite liberated and well, satiated. Of course, this is the weekend and what my blogging will be like during the week remains to be seen, so, we shall with no further adieu, I will drift off with the sandman and bid you all a good night....enjoy one last rose, courtesy of the big camera.

Be not sad that a rose bush has thorns, be happy a thorn bush has roses

Sheesh, I spent toooooo many minutes trying to find out who to attribute that quote to and if you can't find something on the internet, than it possibly doesn't exist, right?

Moving on....more roses for y'all's viewing pleasure and the honoring of my commitment to the use of the big camera.

1200Thread count sheets....

A rose by any other name.....BIG CAMERA, yep.....see how lovely these freshly rained on roses look with the big camera? Almost like big, thick, densly threaded cotton sheets all rumpled up. The house on the corner lot on my little road has lined their corner (curve) with a variety of roses.....which I love.....and I have been enjoying them for the last couple of weeks in their various stages of bloom and I kept saying to myself, "hey dummie, get your lazy butt out to the corner with the big camera and take some pics of those lovely roses before they are 'done'". But, alas, I waited, I thought, too long, however, upon second glance, they were just as lovely today after they'd been rained on, albeit a little rumpled, nonetheless, lovely. (Yes, I LOVE the word lovely, it is just so, well, LOVELY).

When I turn 90 I'm going to start drinking again.....

Today was a big day. Although it did not start out so big...or rather, it was supposed to be big in an entirely different way. I was supposed to go to the Spring Valley Pow Wow.....something Rockhounds go to to find cool rocks, evidently, but, due to the inclement weather and the fact that the PowWow was entirely outside, my fellow rockhound and I decided to forgoe aformentioned Pow Wow......I admit it, I am a geek, nerd, whatever. No, I do not collect rocks from a scientific perspective, I collect them merely for their asthetic charm and potential for placement in a piece of jewelry I might craft....but, back to the BIG day.

Since, I did not participate in the Pow Wow (I just like saying/writing that) I was semi obligated to make an appearnce at the 90th Birthday party of my Paternal Grandmother's oldest and dearest friend, since Grammie could not be there herself, Pops and I made an apperance. The honored guest looked good for 90, not to mention she has a heart condition and she's been known to check out in the middle of dinner and pop back up within seconds.....yes, her heart has stopped in the middle of dinner before....and started up again, shortly after. So, you can imagine how fortunate she and her loved ones feel that she's still here kickin' it at 90! She told me today that she'd be sticking around until she is 100....ugh....can't even go there myself.....once I'm required to have a cardiac shock device in my chest to revive me because my heart could possibly stop......oh, wait, I already have one of I 90! Wait, how old am I? Okay, I'm good, I checked my driver's license, only 43.

Whew, thought I might have missed my window, yep, when I'm old, possibly 80 I'm going to start drinking again, red wine I.V.! What brought this on....meeting someone who made it to 90! Actually, aforementioned Grammie had an aunt who made it to 93, so, all these 90 year olds gave me some inspiration. Accept, I don't think I want to live to be that old, that is a LONG time. I don't want to outlive any of my kids, wait, I don't have any kids, whew, dodged that one. Okay, I don't want to outlive any of my Sisters kids, (that works), nor do I want to outlive most of my friends. I want to get to that age when I can start drinking again and me and my 'sista's' can start harrassing the male nurses we are going to hire to care for us when we need walkers and wheel chairs.

Ah, something to look forward to. Because at 80 or 90. who the hell cares if you drink, right? I mean, seriously, what's the worst that could happen? You drop your teeth in your cocktail and you can't slur your words? If you're already using a walker or a wheel chair, no staggering problem, right? And, certainly, at that age someone has taken it upon themselves to tell you you can't drive anymore, right? So, no DUI. Yep, I'm going to start drinking again when I am old.....what else is there to look forward to?
I suppose the cynic in me should see if I can see the glass half full, perhaps living that long has some kind of merit......yep, I will be able to drink again.....
That aside, Grammies oldest and dearest friend is a very sweet 'young' lady and she looked absolutely adorable in the "birthday girl" tiara and sparkly wand I brought for her to wear....Pops and I made small talk and met several of Grammies oldest and dearest friend's family, she was one of 8 kids and her husband was one of 9 kids, so, there were alot of Kin at the party.....we had the obligitory plate of food and then made ourselves scarce. But, I did ponder how old I thought I should be before I started drinking again.....

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The photographer in me, who I wish to honor

I am neglecting that part of my art. (see I rhymed....I neglect that part of me, too). I have this swell little canon that I carry around in my purse with me that happens to take some REALLY killer photos....I use it alot. But, it is not like using the 'big' camera to really SHOOT stuff and my trigger finger has been itchy the last few days.

Problem is, I bought my 'big' camera on an impulse in a big fancy camera store in Beverly Hills last Spring and I'm embarrassed to say, I am not that happy with it. No, I do not live in B.H.s, but, was 'shopping' there because we don't have those kinds of stores where I DO live, still not a very good reason for buying my 2nd choice camera, even if it was at a better price....yes, I should have purchased the Nikon, but, instead I bought the Olympus....don't get me wrong, it's a VERY nice camera, however, I am not as technilogically advanced in the digital camera world as I would like to be and am not sure if I'm really unhappy with the camera or I just don't know how to fix what I don't like about it's output. Did that make sense? Yes, I think it did, after I reread it.
There is a little, mom and pop, camera store that I like and respect just blocks from my house that I am inclined to visit, tell my embarrassing story and see if they can instruct me how to make the camera do what I want or see if they will let me do a trade in (with supplement of course) and just bite the bullet and get the Nikon. (The owner and staff of the store are wholy devoted to Nikon and although I have seen many other brands of cameras in the store, they are Nikon fanatics, I suspect I will be in a pickle trying to hold onto the Olympus). I feel like I am missing part of my arm without a 'big' camera to shoot with.

I really miss film, but, am now so addicted to digital speed and ease of picture access immediately after shooting that I forgoe the pure pleasure of a print from a film image. I know, most people would say there is no comparison, but, I is a beautiful thing. I remember my limited days in college (I use that phrase loosely, because college for me was really only a few semester of 'fun' classes, but, it is kind of fun to say....) and developing my own film and printing my own b&w prints....still have some of those awful, horrible prints and STILL in LOVE with them. I have to say, my style of shooting is crap shooting, shoot and hope it's not crap and with digital, if it is crap you can just delete it and move on, but, with film, it's a waste to 'crap shoot', therefore, I tended to put more thought into my shots, I miss that.....sort of....well, maybe, not so much, nah, I miss it....and taking film to get developed and waiting to get the pics back and then CHRISTMAS when I got to see them and revel in their glory. Yeah, kind of miss that....

I think, maybe I'll bust out the old dinasaur and anctually work some b&w film over the next couple of days....I think i have some film in my bag with my old workhorse, Minolta.....ah, those were the days.....shooting rodeos with the big gun, burning film like it was toilet paper......ugh, expensive to get all off it developed, but, oh, so worth it. I should spend a little time scanning some old film images into the old computer and enjoy their loveliness through my editing software, eh? Oooh, fun, fun, I'm just babbling.

Yes, I believe it is time to honor the photographer....she is lonely and missing her friend, 'the big camera'....not to mention God's participation in my eagerness to run the big camera, the Divine is chiding me with the beauty that is spring and I'm missing the opportunity to capture Her while she is in her best form. I drive by the most amazing flowers everyday (you don't know this about me yet, but, before summer is over, you will....I LOVE FLOWERS, in the yard and cut in a vase) so, I am completely regretting not getting the camera out and SHOOTING - it's been raining here for the last 24 hours and I just love the light that the overcast provides for pictures of the flora and fauna, so, tomorrow morning I will head out and wander down the street and shoot, shoot, shoot.

Adding to my repetoire

So, I've been beating myself up for not I had a vision for this blog and lots of my thoughts do not necessarily fit into the 'vision'. I've been visiting around to other blogs, just to see what they are up to and how they 'blog'. I am many of the books I've read by other writers who've written about writing said I might become or that they had experienced. Everyone writes better than me.... (tongue in cheek). Or, rather, I am envious of their specialness. And, what I also noticed is that I might be putting too much thought into my daily writing and that maybe I should loosen up and be spontaneous instead of methodical. Instead of 'designing' my posts before I write them, I could probably just post as the whim hits me and let the universe 'design' my wording. What do you think? Really, tell me....I'm looking for feedback. Also, I've become jealous of the attention that the other bloggers receive...not jealous of them personally, per se, just jealous that others are reading them...which, I have to take responsibility for. I started this blog in secret, secret from all of the people in my life who have been and probably always will be the 'editors' of my thoughts, feelings and life, you know, Mom, Dad, Auntie, Grandma, (except maybe Mom J, because, she would have 'gotten it' and since she's dead, she probably already knows) and even close friends. To date, only TWO people in my private life know of my blog......I don't edit for them, however, sometimes write as though I am writing TO them....which I catch myself doing and either go with it or change the course of the post....not because I am hiding anything from them, but, because I catch myself editing and don't want to be.

ANYWAY.....what I also realized is that I am 'saving' my writing for the end of the day and because I do that, I get to the end of the day and am so exhausted that I skip the writing because I cannot 'craft' as I would like to, again, too much thinking and not enough whimming (probably not in the dictionary, but, you know what I mean). So, this is my first Saturday morning blog. I often review the other bloggers I visit on a daily basis from my desk at work when I check my email, you know, in the middle of the day and since my favorite bloggers, (so far) are all on the East Coast and abroad, their posts appear in the middle of my me a little repreive from my awful work day.....they give me a much needed smile. Giving me the inspiration for making the effort to blog at other times of the day, instead of at night, right before bed. That does not mean I might not blog then, but, that I've given myself permission to go where the whim sends me.

Yes, that sounded kind of pathetic, you know, 'giving myself permission', but, nonetheless, my way of going about things. Sometimes it takes me a minute, or a million to think outside the box! Now that I'm outside the box, I am coming up with all sorts of ways to move my blog out into the world, beyond the three followers I of which is my best friend and as much as she counts in my life, she doesn't really count as a follower because she doesn't really have a choice....she's my best friend, she has to follow....if only to make sure I'm not writing about her. (smile).

I might be ready to tell others in my life about the blog, in hopes that they will tell someone and that person will tell someone and so on and so on and so on.....but, wait, maybe not......crap, I can't decide. It's WAY better to have people who don't actually KNOW you come visit and stay and visit again or follow because they are doing it because they WANT to read your writing, not figure out why you're so neurotic or judge you or edit you.............................I already do all of that myself, don't need any help. Really, I don't. So, I guess not, not quite ready, maybe I never will be, eh?

Okay, so, writing when the whim attacks I go....weeee weeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!