I like to spend a little time browsing my photography and rummaging through my 'quote closet' before I begin a post to the blog so that I have a little inspiration to work from. Tonight, while I was not inspired by a photo or a quote, I was inspired by my work day and the movie I watched when I finally got home. Work was awful (I know, BE GRATEFUL), it was so awful, it was painful. I feel like everything I touch is a mess and the more I touch it, the messier it gets, I've lost a significant amount of confidence in my ability to do my job in a manner that I can respect, (don't worry, I don't do a job where anythng awful would happen if I made a mess....in fact the field I work in is already a mess), and today in the most painful of moments, I had an epiphany, I know I'm not supposed to be there, remember, I already quit once, and so, whilst in this painful moment I thought to myself, the universe is pushing back. The Universe, the Divine is telling me, everyday, MOVE ON....quit being afraid, MOVE ON. Everyday I go to work hoping beyond hope that it will be better, different, "today, I will get a handle on the shit on my desk" and everyday, I make progress, only to be pushed back twice as far as I got the day before. I felt like I couldn't take a breath in.....then I realized I'd been holding my breath for what seemed like hours. I keep waiting for something to happen, for something to snap inside of me.....and then I remember it already did.....and I still went back for more.
Wednesdy night T.V. sucks......however, Divine intervention set things up for me to watch Erin Brockovich tonight and there it was.....inspiration. I am not unemployed with three kids, but, I am at a dead end with nowhere to go but up and her story is inspiring in a way that is more than one dimensional. I want to help people, do something of worth, give back, feel something. And Erin managed to do something big merely through perserverance and stick-to-it-ive-ness. She had many obstacles, none of which was just being a chicken, she had no previous job experience, little education, limited resources and huge responsibilities. When I grow up I want to be just like her. I guess I better grow up, eh?
So, what are my obstacles? What is holding me back? Why do I walk to the edge, peer over and then step back? Because I think the fall is too far. What if I fail? What if I don't really have what it takes to be 'all that I can be' (I don't think the Army would take me). I hate that my current job takes all of the wind out of my sales, but, right now my confidence is in the toilet and I don't know how to get out. Where's the Tidy Bowl Man when you need him? I know, I'm being flip and childish. Today, I was at the edge again, peering over, wishing someone would push me, anyone. I know that when the pain is the greatest I am usually closest to a breakthrough and I KNOW I am on the cusp of findng my path.
I really do know the way to my destiny, I just have to do the work. I need to write the story, the story of my heart. The path will reveal itself through the writing of this story. The story is long, though, and I am impatient. I have been reading other writer's writing on writing....(funny) and through their experiences, and my own, I know that once I begin the writing of the story, I will begin to heal and find what I am looking for. So, I guess I better get on the road.