Retrospective......The Path

(The photo is merely gratuitous, but hang out, it might have some meaning before I get done with this post)

I've been reviewing the blog and reminiscing. Like the previous post says, I laughed, cried, marveled and found myself. Or, maybe I always knew myself, but had lost me somewhere along the way. I truly think God does us an injustice by letting us stumble through life without a clue. Here's my logic; if we were moderately less stupid when we start out we could accomplish soooo much more by the time we're old. I guess where I'm going with this is, if I had known 25 years ago this is where I was going to end up, more to the point, WANT to end up, I could have been this person for 25 more years. And, maybe helped more folks, myself included. Now, I'm sure there will be some folks who will use the argument that God's timing is perfect, but I just highlighted why it might not necessarily be. I guess the trip down memory lane was both cathartic and thought provoking. In 2005 I knew where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do, I just didn't know HOW to get there/here. In August of 2009 I knew where I wanted to go and thought I knew how I was going to get there. Even when I began the blog, the very first post, talks about giving back. I guess I'm being silly, knowing everything early wouldn't have been nearly as fun, right? Reminder to self; It is the journey that matters, not necessarily the destination.

The blog really has been a source of life lessons......apparently ones I inherently knew but was too obtuse to get until I rambled on about them here. I was able to compare life to a game show and question making changes in our choices and what the new choice might look like and whether or not it would have been the better choice given the lessons we learned by virtue of our first choice.(I went to school and took an English class while I was writing and apparently learned nothing about run-on sentences). I acknowledged a very private part of myself about my dashed hopes of having a family of my own and that ONE person to share it with, this alone was worth the time I spent blogging. Maybe the ONE is still out there and now that I've found my way we will stumble in to each other. (he better be an Irish, cowboy, warrior, heart repair guy, {if I get to pick}). And, right there, one more lesson......I have not given up HOPE.......however, sometimes HOPE gets in the way of reality(another lesson).

Even more illuminating to me was that I think I might have been happier when I blogged. Or rather, less grumpy. Because a friend shared, "writing is the new praying" and on a very regular basis we all inspired each other to embrace joy, simpleness, gratitude, and happiness by writing these things down. I have read my fair share of self help books over the years and I distinctly remember many of them encouraging a journal in which we wrote down things we were grateful for, right? I guess I learned that not only is writing the new praying, but blogging is the new journaling. (yes, oft times I am late to the party, but I eventually catch on).

The review also gave me an opportunity to review my writing. To 'hear' my voice. To see the evolution of my style. I truly enjoy writing and think that I am a good writer. Every once in a while I really made a splash, like my acceptance speech and twice I wrote about inspiration, here and here and thought my prose quite entertaining. But, mostly, I feel that my writing was/is honest and accessible.I could be wrong, maybe some old blogging world friends are reading and can confirm my self promoting assumption. (tongue in cheek). I guess it is okay to say I like my writing and think I should do it more. God Bless the blog review.

Well, I guess I was wrong, the photo is not tied to anything in this post.....well, maybe an acknowledgement of the 'fruits of one's labor'. What were those again? (ppsht)

Oh, yes and one last lesson about blogging....it is addicting and time consuming....and I just hope I will have the time to visit my old friends, write and enjoy both processes whilst WORKING!

Ah, that felt good.

Peace,
S ♥

"They're called boobs, Ed" Erin Brockovich

I like to spend a little time browsing my photography and rummaging through my 'quote closet' before I begin a post to the blog so that I have a little inspiration to work from. Tonight, while I was not inspired by a photo or a quote, I was inspired by my work day and the movie I watched when I finally got home. Work was awful (I know, BE GRATEFUL), it was so awful, it was painful. I feel like everything I touch is a mess and the more I touch it, the messier it gets, I've lost a significant amount of confidence in my ability to do my job in a manner that I can respect, (don't worry, I don't do a job where anythng awful would happen if I made a mess....in fact the field I work in is already a mess), and today in the most painful of moments, I had an epiphany, I know I'm not supposed to be there, remember, I already quit once, and so, whilst in this painful moment I thought to myself, the universe is pushing back. The Universe, the Divine is telling me, everyday, MOVE ON....quit being afraid, MOVE ON. Everyday I go to work hoping beyond hope that it will be better, different, "today, I will get a handle on the shit on my desk" and everyday, I make progress, only to be pushed back twice as far as I got the day before. I felt like I couldn't take a breath in.....then I realized I'd been holding my breath for what seemed like hours. I keep waiting for something to happen, for something to snap inside of me.....and then I remember it already did.....and I still went back for more.

Wednesdy night T.V. sucks......however, Divine intervention set things up for me to watch Erin Brockovich tonight and there it was.....inspiration. I am not unemployed with three kids, but, I am at a dead end with nowhere to go but up and her story is inspiring in a way that is more than one dimensional. I want to help people, do something of worth, give back, feel something. And Erin managed to do something big merely through perserverance and stick-to-it-ive-ness. She had many obstacles, none of which was just being a chicken, she had no previous job experience, little education, limited resources and huge responsibilities. When I grow up I want to be just like her. I guess I better grow up, eh?

So, what are my obstacles? What is holding me back? Why do I walk to the edge, peer over and then step back? Because I think the fall is too far. What if I fail? What if I don't really have what it takes to be 'all that I can be' (I don't think the Army would take me). I hate that my current job takes all of the wind out of my sales, but, right now my confidence is in the toilet and I don't know how to get out. Where's the Tidy Bowl Man when you need him? I know, I'm being flip and childish. Today, I was at the edge again, peering over, wishing someone would push me, anyone. I know that when the pain is the greatest I am usually closest to a breakthrough and I KNOW I am on the cusp of findng my path.

I really do know the way to my destiny, I just have to do the work. I need to write the story, the story of my heart. The path will reveal itself through the writing of this story. The story is long, though, and I am impatient. I have been reading other writer's writing on writing....(funny) and through their experiences, and my own, I know that once I begin the writing of the story, I will begin to heal and find what I am looking for. So, I guess I better get on the road.

"The only way to have a life is to commit to it like crazy". Angelina Jolie

Now, she is one crazy broad. Angeline Jolie. Brad Pitt aside, let's think about this....six kids, make movies, travel the world doing good.....be richer than your wildest dreams and look good doing it. I don't necessarily find her inspirational, but, if she weren't famous maybe I could get close to being inspired.....that's just my judge sitting on my shoulder pointing out that lots of people have equally fabulous lives, but, we don't know about it because they aren't "Angelina Jolie", right? So, mostly I was admiring how she appears to live her quote and that made me jealous that she has the balls to do just that, commit to a life, like crazy. Now, sorting out the part where I figure out what I want my life to be about.....that would be the hard part. Baby steps, she says......baby steps. Have I mentioned that I am not a patient person, well, I'm not. I want my fabulous life, NOW! Baby steps...remember, baby steps.

So, here's what I do know, I love to write. I've secretly been a writer most of my life. Well, maybe not entirely secretly, but, I haven't embraced it, nor have I really shared it with too many people. As a teen I wrote many angst ridden poems, love letters, and small essays, not even really essays, but, blurbs. These pagees of emotion are still around, and every so often I get them out and read through them....reliving the horror that is teen angst. So, writing is within me....waiting to be nurtured, encouraged, embraced and honed. This is something I would like to do. Could I do it and make money? Do I have the chops to brave it out in the world with my heart wide open like a target waiting for the hat trick? I'd like to think I might have the guts....I've been through alot and survived worse things, I think.

And, I know something else; I want to give - until I don't hurt anymore. What do I have to give? My heart, literally. But, first I have to commit and I don't know how. I'm not talking about committing to a romantic relationship, I'm talking about committing to love, unromantic, selfless, spiritual love. Like the nun said; "In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love". (Mother Theresa). So, committing like crazy to brandishing my heart every single day of my life to give someone love, kindness, hope and peace, that is what I have to figure out how to do. Crazy is right. Behind the scenes, I am sorting through the concept I have brewing on how I might find this craziness, bare with me, the fear follows me around like a hungry, stray dog, (which as a dog lover I am always inclined to feed), so, I have to decide how I might save the dog, yet, not feed the fear.

Writing even just a little, everyday............

So, I've been busy. Livng. Well, packing, too. I actually went out Saturday night, something I rarely do, with friends for a birthday celebration. A great time was had by all, especially the birthday girl. We saw an amazing Celtic band, Tempest, and I did my best to 'dance me boots off'! I have skills as a silversmith, so, I spent most of Saturday fabricating my friend's birthday gift, so, I didn't get much packing done, therefore, I spent ALL DAY Sunday packing....literally, from 7:30 a.m to 8:00 p.m., I was exhausted when it was time to get up for work today. I think the older I get, the shorter the days get. I can't even believe it's already March 2009. It feels like it was only yesterday when I moved in here. I had so many plans for how I was going to change my life and despite the fact that I have almost completely reverted back to where I was before I moved in here, I know that I am a different person today, much different. I also feel stronger than I ever have, more at peace with who I am, or rather who I am allowing myself to become......ME. I've been reading a new book and a piece of advice from the book is to write everyday, even if it's just a little bit, just do it everyday. I'm behind a few days, however, living gives us things to write about, right? And, so, I write. I had an opportunity today to go by my new home and see it empty, which helped me get a perspective of how my belongings are going to fit in the place, I took photos. My friend, Ricky is getting the place all cleaned up and fixing some things that needed taking care of. I believe it will make a good home for me. At least for right now, while I am excavating my soul for guidance regarding my future. I am anxious to get settled at the new place, I need to feel rooted for awhile. As much as I love my Grandmother's house and hate to leave it, truly for the almost two years I've lived here I've known it was always temporary. Now, I can be indefinitely rooted, or rather, I do not have a 'due date' for the time being. This is somewhat liberating and I am looking forward to that simple freedom. With that stability, I can actually focus on writing, make it part of my day, everyday, not just on the days when I'm not packing. I've included one of the photos I took of the new place, should have taken a pic of the outside, but, it slipped my mind, I was more interested in where all of my furniture was going to go. Silly me.