Thursday, March 12, 2009

Taking the risk to blossom.......the beginning

Now that the move is over, I can begin to focus on what I’d like to do with myself. You know explore that inkling I mentioned in one of my first blogs. I recently had a reading with a spiritual astrologer,( yes, I believe in astrology and what it can tell a person about themselves and about others), that reading actually inspired this blog, so, going forward from that reading I am going to delve into the parts of me that my chart tells me to embrace. This is not the first time I’ve used my birth chart to help me understand myself and as I should have known, this reading was really no different from the last….I am nowhere near where I am supposed to be in my career path/life’s work. I am in a field that is cut throat, not always ethical, very stressful and totally unfulfilling and I have hated it for 24 years. I know, pathetic, eh? Staying in a career that you hate for that amount of time is just pure self loathing and lack of esteem…..well, I guess I should cut myself some slack, fear is a great motivator and I’ve been scared my whole life of stepping outside of a known security. I do not have a college education and I started in the industry I am in at the age of 18, right out of high school at a place my Mom worked, because the job was handed to me and I didn’t know any better. It completely amazes me how fast 24 years went by. I’ve been working in my field for over half my life. That is a long time to hate your work. And, I was out, but that year and a half was spent caring for my Grandmother and grieving her loss, so, I did not figure out in time what I wanted to do with myself before my medical insurance ran out and therefore, I let fear take over again and I went back to hell (this is what I affectionately call my work). Hell get’s uglier everyday and I am not as young as I used to be, so, my patience (mind you I am not by nature a patient person anyway) is very thin, very thin, so, I’m pretty sure I’m not long for hell and so, begins more excavating, more digging, more growing, more pain, more fear. Please do not misunderstand my griping about my job as being ungrateful, given the current jobless rate, I absolutely appreciate the position I am in and wake up every morning thanking the Divine for a job at all, yet still dreading the day ahead. People always feel compelled to remind you of these kinds of things when you’re griping, like that is actually going to make your unhappiness better, the irony is that it only makes me feel worse for hating what most people would be ecstatic for. Yes, just one big dichotomy I am. (Check that out a big word, eh?) See, no college education and I found that word! I hope it means what I think it means…….Okay, back on course. I have a lot to offer the world, my small world and the greater world and I intend to give until I don’t hurt anymore.

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