To Jump or hang from the ledge.......

So, I quit my job on Friday. Over the weekend, I reconsidered and fortunately, I was able to rescind my resignation. I'm not happy with myself. Once again, I chickened out. My friends, God Bless them, all supported me in their own ways. I, however, did not support myself. This is a big issue for me. And, after spending most of last year in therapy, you'd think I'd have some of this stuff hammered out. I have been so stressed out (I actually hate that phrase, "stressed out", it's soooo 90's) that I just folded in on myself and couldn't seem to find my way out. Panic set in and I just reacted. I'm not sure my reactive behavior wasn't wrong, because I was listening to my heart (physically and metaphorically) and for a brief second I honored my feelings.....and those were....."f---k this s--t, I hate myself for doing battle everyday without any cause". And, for feeling like a failure. I want to do something with my whole heart, not something that is breaking my heart down, as well as my spirit. I believe we have the power to choose. I literally preach this mantra, 'you have the power to choose', yet, I am paralyzed by the idea of choosing to be happy. Or, rather to take a risk. I actively choose to stay in a job that hurts my soul. I know, a little melodramtatic, however, seriously, that's how I feel, like I'm killing my own spirit. It's like a form of spiritual suicide. The thing is, my gut told me I would be okay if I left, if I just honored my feelings and jumped, I would be okay. But, reason stepped in and talked me out of trusting my intuition. Isn't that what happens to us as we grow up? We know ourselves better when we are little kids than we do as adults because we haven't spent our whole lives being told to 'walk the path you're told to walk', 'do the right thing', 'be responsible'. When we're a little kid we don't know our limitations, we think the whole world is revovling around us and nothing can go wrong, we believe in ourselves, intrinsically. Ah, but to restore that belief in myself, to KNOW what I did as a child. Isn't that funny we spend our lives yearning to KNOW things and all along if we just listened to that little kid we once were, we'd know everything we needed. We live our lives backwards, yes, this has been discovered before I just thought it outloud, but, until you live it.......

So, because I quit my job and scared myself....I did make some inroads to a plan and I am executing. It's time to start taking better care of my body....so, Yoga starts next week and I will begin with that. Further,I think I need to do some research on resume writing and resume writers. Then, research on places where I might be able to apply my heart. While I'm not happy with the hungry dog of fear nipping at my heals, I am trying to find compassion for myself and at the very least be proactive, instead of reactive, moving forward. One of many lessons I'm sure I'll take away from my small lapse in 'reason', is that I am so close to jumping I should either step away from the ledge, or begin to pack my parachute......