Sunday, October 18, 2009

Living because of loss.........



These are some of the pumpkins from the garden....they are much oranger than the standard old pumpkins you see at your everyday, average pumpkin patch(lot)...they are called Cinderella pumpkins....they also have a little bit different shape and sometimes surface texture....they are interesting....just like each of us is. I took this photo after our most recent extremely exuberant storm....as the lighting was enchanting and the orange was a beacon to me....just like all of you, my bloggy friends.

I just finished reading a weekend's worth of blogs....you guys are prolific....whew! There was a theme within a handful of the blogs I read and it got me to thinking and pondering and well, writing, which is the new praying....

The year has been heavy for me with loss and grief. I believe that I have managed to the best of my ability, to keep moving forward. Loss is weighty, at best, but, sneaky at it's worst. You can be lulled into to a sense that you are moving on and then BAM, you find yourself standing in the HOME GOODS, holding onto a decorative Santa balling your eyes out because, yet another Christmas without your beloved Mom J, is fast appproaching. Or, you realize further, that your other beloved Grandmother will have her first Christmas without her youngest Son as he preceeded her in death from a freak accident...which only makes you feel worse. And, then you spend the morning with your Dad, being your Grandmother's son, realizing he lost his only brother....and he will experience his first Christmas without him, too.

I swear this post is heading in a direction that is more about living than dying.....

Julochka wrote about reflecting and pondering and about living and ultimately about epiphanies we have about life and living. It was a beautiful post and it got me to thinking about these, well epiphanies I have and how they come about and the effect they have on my life.

And, Nancy at F8hasit wrote about loss, big time and about life and she asked us to toast to our lost loved ones past and present.....so that our grief could be shared, it might be just a little less....

And, the lovely Spud and THE GOD POST and her examination of those big questions, Is there a God, what do you believe, etc....these questions sandwiched for her between the loss of her beloved Grandfather and the sweet beginnings of a young life at a baptism she attended this weekend.

And my own weekend and the bits of life I was blessed with...on Friday evening I joined my friends to celebrate a 40th birthday....and then Saturday night a nursing school graduation....both milestones for my friends...markers of a life being lived.

So, where did all of this lead.....to a place for me to dwell in the magnificence of life and of loss. When we lose soemone we love, we grieve, we pine for their presence, to see them, speak to them, hold them, 'just one more time', we yearn for 'one more day' and yet, there are days we wish away....like those days when nothing goes right or when we are waiting for 'life to happen, SOMEDAY', we look to the future and if you think about it, that is 'overlooking' today....we are missing TODAY. I know I do this, A LOT, too much.....I think I have lived practically my whole life waiting for someday.....except this year.

I don't know if it is my age, what I consider mid life, or if it is my life and what I have lost and gained this year. But, I have been experiencing epiphanies about life and loss all year and when I say experiencing, I mean, I have been sitting somewhere, talking or just listening to someone and clarity will strike and I will just GET something I had been struggling with, be it, where to go to school or how to reconnect with someome I missed or how someone helped me when neither of us knew that person helped me, or vise versa and how many signs there were right in front of me when I was questioning which path to take or when I was struggling with how to help my teenage Neice as she navigates high school....the answers and the innate knowledge just seemd to surface in these moments when I least expected them....(I wanted to borrow Julochka's blog name, Moments of Perfect Clarity). Maybe, just maybe I have become more aware of the arrival of these epiphanies because I am more open to receiving them.....and, maybe they've become stronger in their arrival in order for me to pick up on them? Either way, they have been arriving and I have been receiving.

One of the other things I have been acutely aware of, because of these insights, is how short life is, how precarious it is and that we need to celebrate every second we have, we need to make sure to live. I've begun to notice my impatience more and to really examine it and when I catch it in time, to discard it, reminding myself, in the grand scheme of things, how important is it to be annoyed? And, many other things that I let pervade my life that really aren't that important....things that aren't really worth mentioning here, but, I'm sure you know what I mean...to paraphrase a quote I'm not inclined to cite, "pick your battles......something, something....win the war"....there are bigger fish to fry, as my kin would say....

My BFF is trying to quit smoking....I was just getting ready to write her a love letter asking her to quit....as a recovering alcoholic, I know that quitting any addiction is difficult....she began the trial of quitting before I got to the letter...guess the Divine heard my prayer before I wrote it. The reason I felt compelled to write her a letter....? Because I don't want to lose her....and because I want her to know how much that would suck if I lost her....we are going to grow old together...after our men die off, we are going to have matching rockers on the front porch and harrass all the young people as they pass by....we are going to LIVE......and I just didn't want to miss the chance to tell her how much she means to me and how important it is that she stick around.....

If there is a message in my rambling, I would say, this is it:
Live....be an example of how to live....shed all of the small stuff, it's really not worth the effort we waste on it....listen...not just to the people around you, but, to yourself, you know all you need to know, innately, it's there, just listen, be open to the messages....be brave.....LIVE.....do not hold onto love....give it, freely, with reckless abandon.....hold those you love, close...but not so close that they cannot live themselves....embrace life at every second....don't look away...you might miss something.....and, slow down and breathe.......

Peace

8 comments:

smith kaich jones said...

This weekend I became all too aware that my 56th birthday is 3 weeks away. I was also over-pondering the past year, one filled with loss for me also, and imminent loss, and making the best of the last. I agree with you on almost everything except the non-importance of being annoyed or impatient, and perhaps we actually agree on that - perhaps we are just approaching it differently. I pay much attention to those things & people that/who annoy me or aggravate me - I find there is a lot to be learned from that - and I move away. My very, very close friend and neighbor who I lost this year at the fabulous age of 95 once told me that life is too short - if the movie is bad, get up & leave. So when the movie is bad, or when people are using up time I don't have or want to give them (at 55, I have become much more selfish), or when in a political discussion (politics is a big thing for me - it reveals much about a person) someone won't/can't answer a question with details & facts, I move on. I move on. No use wasting my time - I can be out there embracing life, as you say.

Wonderful, wonderful post.

:) Debi

f8hasit said...

That's quite a wonderful, beautiful post.
Thank you.
Your 'voice' is so eloquent...

Perhaps it's the change of the season as well, but the blogs that I follow also seemed to have this reoccuring thread of loss...which perhaps contributed to the increased water seeping from my tear ducts - but at the same time reinforced the idea of 'enjoy each day'.

Thanks once again. You're such a light.
:-)

Brian Miller said...

i really think there is something to the change of season...fall shines in brilliant colors before life goes dormant for a season of winter. holidays are a tough time as well as loss is very visible with who is around the table, and who is not. your last paragraph resonates...the way we live after is a tribute to those who have passed...there is much life to live and be shared...embracing every second is an amazing thought.

staceyjwarner said...

A wonderful post...i'm left speechless...

otin said...

I think that the message in this is that it does not matter what you believe, as long as you have happy thoughts and piece of mind.

Pat said...

A very moving and heartfelt post. Live life to the fullest - and DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF!

Janet said...

absolute pearls of wisdom. :)

spudballoo said...

Just perfect..you write so perfectly, and from the heart. We're surrounded by loss, grief and death...and yet we're all so poor at living for the moment. Why is that?

A lovely post, thank you xx