"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else."
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Where to begin.....perhaps the middle.
"As a representative of the United States Navy, it is my high privilege to present you this flag. Let it be a symbol of the grateful appreciation this nation feels for the distinguished service rendered to our country and our flag by your loved one."
I've been back for a few days now. I have been staring at my computer screen in a daze searching for the beginning.....I have been checking in on your blogs, but, not been able to 'check in' at mine. The journey was bitter sweet in the most painful of ways. We laughed, we cried, we cried because we were laughing at a time when we thought we should be crying. We clung to each other and we rallied around my Grandmother when she was at her most vulnerable moments....and each of us had our moments of sorrow. We loved, ribbed, cajoled, buoyed and held each other up.
I have been trying to process what happened and reconcile the purpose for the trip with the joy, yes, joy I derived from the time spent with my family. Families are a funny animal and trial can bring out extremes in them, extreme love and compassion and extreme pain and drama.....we managed to limit the drama and work the pain over with love and compassion. This, I am grateful for. This is what brought me joy.
There is a story to tell about my Uncle....not so much about his life, but, his death. His death gave my family a gift....a gift of love and time, time together, time to be in each other's presence and really appreciate each other, to come together and just be grateful for each other in a way we rarely make an effort to do. Ironically, the very togetherness we shared, he ached for, but, never really achieved. Periodically one of us would stop in the middle of what we were doing and say, "Ron would have loved this...." and some of us would smile knowingly and some of us would silently weep and others, would carry on and revel in the joy....the simple joy of the moment.
Our awareness of time passing was critically heightened and each passing moment was treasured. I documented everything. I ran my camera....through everything...with the exception of interrupting final goodbyes. I did capture sorrow, pain, even anguish, but, I also captured love, pure, unadalterated joy, delight, comedy, action, stillness, beauty and even some ugliness. I challenged myself to see deeper than ever before, to risk, to reach, to even hurt and they all gave, freely, without guard, with complete trust....the highest form of LOVE.
In the weeks ahead I know there will be challenges for all of us, especially my Grandmother and Aunt, as they will have to deal with the details of the accident, insurance and his house and his estate. Grief will dominate the days for my Father as well....I will be watching him, holding him up and praying.....for them, for me, for Ron.....I will draw on those moments we all shared, those hours our family connected, those few days when we were at our worst and our best.....I will process those bits of light and even the darkness....holding onto all of them, tightly, praying for more days, hours, MOMENTS, of JOY......
Open your eyes and heart.....embrace the smallest smattering of JOY.....every chance you get....
I am a woman on a mission to begin the life I have taken for granted for too long. Many changes have come in the last five years and while I have weathered them, I have not seriously taken any action to make changes for the enrichment of my life. The stories of my journey will be posted here......stay tuned for daily status of finally living a life not lived.....
To really live.....quit waiting for tomorrow....what if tomorrow never comes....what if you wake up, get dressed and head off to that job you hate and you get hit by a bus on the way.....what will you regret NOT doing? Telling someone you're sorry for hurting them? Giving your kid the 'attaboy' he or she needs to get them to the next level in their growth? Telling your friends how much they mean to you? Being there for your spouse when they've had a really bad day? Or, maybe you keep saying you're going to finally become the person you were meant to be......and you missed your chance because you didn't believe that NOW IS THE RIGHT TIME!
Been There, Done THAT..........
Spend more time with the people I love Read more....lots more Finish unpacking Take more pictures Set up my bench Use my bench Use the picture editing software on my computer Own a NIKON Tend the garden.....lovingly Have more company over for food..... Go to Blog camp in Reno Go to a Monastery and listen get a new defibrillator test out of some classes for M.A. Program finish medical assistant school
On the nightstand......
ECG Interpretation - Lippincot, Williams & Wilkins