Thursday, May 7, 2009

Personal responsibility - What did you sign up for?

Okay, I've started and restarted this post 4 times now. I have a lot of emotions running around me right now and can't seem to lasso one single issue to tag down. I started out with a rant about computer issues, started again about my new Astrology course, restarted that one. Started again about tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy, scrapped that and went back to Astrology. What's really bothering me is whether or not I'm bipolar - in the truest sense of the medical diagnosis. I don't really think I am, but, periodically, I feel bipolar and I begin to doubt how I show up, how I take care of myself. Am I being overly defensive? Am I being judgemental? Of course, I judge myself all the time, but, how far does that judge reach? And, if I am judging myself so harshly, what am I really digging at. I hate my job, no secret, right? So, I'm thinking the more uncomfortable my job gets, the more bipolar I become. (I am not making fun of any kind of mental illness). I want my job to be tolerable until such time that I can move on, but, in a way that I am taking care of myself, not in a jumping off the ledge kind of way- so, I rally between good days and bad days. Feels like this week had more bad days than good. So, more bipolarness.

Qualifying my bipolarness. I am a Sag with a Pisces rising - fire and water. I want to be big, bold, jump off the cliff into the great unknown, but, I hold back, the water puts out my fire. I am not bipolar, but, to the naked eye, maybe I am. I am probably the most self analyzed person I know. I have honed my 3rd party observer to the point that I actually catch myself standing outside of myself watching myself as I act out - misbehave, so to speak. Sometimes it's hysterical - sometimes I'm hysterical, either way, I am living. Some days I'm 2, others, 80 (can't wait to drink again), but, either way, living. The blog is about finding my way through the living part.

I began the blog as a documentary of my recovery - and I am enjoying it. Reading back to the older posts I can see that I've moved past some of my grief, some of my pain and I am moving forward. I get side tracked every so often, but, I am forward moving. I'm not hurting anyone - I'm not running anyone down, I'm not dragging anyone around with me, I'm just living. Working through the pain. Observing myself. Using my words to mark my progress. Almost like those little marks on the wall that your folks make as you're growing up to show how much you've grown, you know what I mean.

This is how I live. I am living on the terms I agreed to, however uncomfortable I may be, this is what I signed up for, I am being responsible for what I choose. At the very least, I'm observing, examining and modifying as I go along. I think the Grey's Anatomy episode got to me.......

So, from my own blog, a personal statement I made the night I set the blog up:

"To really live.....quit waiting for tomorrow....what if tomorrow never comes....what if you wake up, get dressed and head off to that job you hate and you get hit by a bus on the way.....what will you regret NOT doing? Telling someone you're sorry for hurting them? Giving your kid the 'attaboy' he or she needs to get them to the next level in their growth? Telling your friends how much they mean to you? Being there for your spouse when they've had a really bad day? Or, maybe you keep saying you're going to finally become the person you were meant to be......and you missed your chance because you didn't believe that NOW IS THE RIGHT TIME!".

Here I am, just trying to get it day at a time.

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