Sunday, February 15, 2009
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined" Thoreau
Go confidently. Yes I believe confidently is the way I want to go, but, where to find the confidently part......searching, endlessly for that confidence to live the life I've always imagined. I have been a long time observer of how to LIVE, yet, never actually a participant. I am a photographer, a documentor of livng, yet, somehow always hiding behind that lens. I know, just a cop out, right? Seriously, though, I see life as a photo op most of the time. I find beauty in things from that angle. When I'm not behind the lens, so to speak, it seems I can't make my life appear beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I have many, many, things to be grateful for. And, I voice that gratitude every chance I get....but, I find that it is easier to complain, to gripe and that holds me back. It holds us all back. I've recently gone to work with a friend, who I love dearly, but, I never realized how much negativity she puts out. My photo lens of her was obvioulsy skewing my perception of her. From my original perspective of her, she is an extremely accomplished individual, who could and has done just about anything she wanted, including traveling the world from a young age to mastering many types of jobs to stunning people into awed silence by her beauty...yet, she is unhappy, not living the life she has always imagined.....this has been a revelation to me, becuase I could not figure out for the life of me how she could be unhappy and then it hit me....she doesn't know what would make her happy, therefore, cannot make the changes she needs to make in order to be happy. And that is when the real lightning bolt struck....this is why it is easier for me to gripe and complain and stay in a job I hate and do only what I must in order to survive, I don't know what would make me truly happy. However, I have an inkling of what would make me happy, I've been feeling these growing pains for about 3 years now, really struggling to live with my choices, forcing myself to do things that I think I should (you know the "shoulds" will actually kill you), because that is what I have always done. Be a good girl, take care of everyone but yourself, don't cross against the light, don't rock the boat, make sure to wear underwear, don't drink, don't smoke, eat right, take your medicine, let them install an electrical shock unit in your chest so you don't die of possible v-tach.....you know just mundane crap like that. As these growing pains have, well, grown, I have grown, too, and I made a serious effort in exploring the origins of these pains and what I discovered is that you can't unlearn 43 years of conditioning in 8 months, no matter how hard you try. Yeah, I know, silly me, thought I could just speed through it and get on with my life, but, alas, that is not how the universe works, right? So, back to the inkling, I need to feel like I am giving back....no cliche here, the truth, helping someone, helping a cause, being the solution, not the problem. I am not the tree hugger type, one of the people who live in a tree to save it, however, there are things I am passionate about and experiences that I have lived that make me uniquely qualified to give back in a big way and that my friends is what I am going to do. I am here, blogging, as a way to keep me honest with myself, a committment of sorts, if you will, to SHOW UP, every single day and GO CONFIDENTLY IN THE DIRECTION OF MY DREAMS AND LIVE THE LIFE I HAVE IMAGINED.