I am tired tonight. Spent. I am not sure why, only that I can barely keep my eyes open and yet I am drawn to my computer if only to mark some space and time in the ether so that there is evidence that I was here. I had lunch with a friend today. We hadn't spent any time together in awhile and we covered some serious ground. She seems to be going through a similar growth spurt as I am. We are the same age, in the same field and have lots of similar theories on life, you could say we get each other. She and I have pondered many mysteries together, some quite deep, like "Is there a God?" And if there is, why is there pain in the world. We've also pondered Fairies and magic and Mother Earth. And some of the more mundane mysteries, like, why am I here? What's in this life for me? And, is this my first life and if I don't like the way this one is going can I have a do over?
Today we talked about some of the even more mundane mysteries, like what the hell am I supposed to be doing with my lfie and do I deserve to be happy? Of course we would tell each other "of course you deserve to be happy", only believing that the other deserved the happiness, because surely I have done something that justifies denial of my happiness.
Because we have set off on one path, does that mean we cannot change course and venture out onto another trail? Do we have to hold ourselves back because a previous committment that may no longer apply to our current lives weighs us down? Can we rightfully claim our desire to be happy and act on it, now, in the later part of our life, when we have begun to learn who we truly are? Is denying our happiness either a form of punishment or committment? Loyalty? We are all struggling to figure out who we are and where we fit in this world and sometimes it takes awhile to get to a place where the wonder of who we truly are begins to dawn on us. It is when this happens that we are faced with the hardest decisions of our lives....do we stay stuck in the past, dragging along the baggage that we kept near us like a security blanket, or do we shed it and grow, allowing ourselves the acknowledgement that we deserve to be happy. Are we obligated to hold ourselves back at the presipice of discovery because we do not want to be considered cruel for moving on. Accusing ourselves of abandonment.....
I say we are not obligated, no one has the power to deny us our happiness but ourselves. We can give that power away by looking for a reason to stay in the past out of fear. Really it's only fear. Fear that if we venture out and finally release ourselves to be happy, we will be.
A Personality Clash
14 hours ago