The Path with a Heart.....

“Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask ourselves this crucial question:

Does this path have a heart? If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use.”

Carlos Castaneda

My life has changed so much just since February when I began this blog. I've been mulling this over today...whilst having a small pity party for myself. I really don't like to dwell in melancholy, but, find once in awhile a bit of indulgance helps me find my path again.

I set out on a deeper trek into the world of Spirit, planetary and ethereal, beginning with a class on Astrology, a trip to a Cistercian Monastery and crossing the path of Hinduism and the Bhagavad Gita. All big endeavors, for a 'life not lived' eh? I've found myself drawn to many spiritual beliefs and the rituals encompassed in them, still seeking always what the meaning of life is. In summation, what I already knew...which I believe we all know.... the meaning of life is to love and be loved...everything else is just noise and clutter. The trip to the Monastery, to be silent, showed me how loud my own head is. The foray into Kirtan with the Hare Krishna's showed me that there are MANY 'books' we can believe in, but, seriously, they all teach us the same thing, LOVE is what it's about and the noise and 'packaging' that comes with life is just that, noise and packaging. And, astrology taught me that there is a plan, always has been and that while we try to gain understanding of the plan, we will always end up where the plan intended for us to end up.

We have control over the choices we make, but, only in so much as we can choose to be happy along the way or we can choose to be unhappy....

Sometimes, our perceived path appears to be diverted, yet, it can never really be abandoned, as it was preconceived and we only have to embrace the lesson we are given as we wander down it.

Today, I've been feeling like I'm in the bushes, completely off my path, wandering without a compass...yet, I know that my internal compass will guide me back to the path, perhaps, scratched, banged up a little, but, stronger for the diversion and certainly more aware of my direction, at least I hope.

These are not the only ways in which my life has changed, but, certainly, they are part of the internal changes. A friend came to live with me in my humble little house, embracing my gift of love, which in turn reflects love back to me. My neice and I have become closer as I help her navigate through her early teenage years. I have moved on from the old work I used to do, leaving behind more than a 20 year career to heed what my heart keeps telling me, go, give, love and be loved. I have processed a significant amount of the grief I felt over the loss of my Grandmother and moved out of her house, knowing I did the best I could for her. And, I have reconnected with someone very important to me, whom I believed I would not know again and might not have ever tried to reconnect with, without my endeavor to find a deeper understanding of Spirit.

So, in summary, I feel that maybe, just maybe, I am recovering....one step at a time.

"I'll take door number Three, Monty"

I've been thinking "what if life is like the game show let's make a deal?" and our journey is the game and Monty Hall is God. Let's say you get to what you think is the bonus round and Monty asks you to pick a door and you pick door #3. and, what if when door #3 is opened and the prize you won isn't exactly what you were expecting...maybe it wasn't the BIG prize they taunted you with, but, it was the prize you picked and that's what you went home with? and, so, your life (the prize) isn't all you had hoped for....and you spend your life wondering about door one and door two....or maybe you let that go back when you made your choice, but, now, because of the ever changing canvas that is life, you are revisiting past choices and you're wondering, 'why didn't I pick door #2? Did I miss an opportunity? Did I short change myself out of fear? Immaturity?" I am finding that there are a lot of people wondering about their past choices, some wondering back 20 years or more, some only to 2007 when we could no longer look away from the economic crisis.

A friend's marriage is ending....she is stepping away from a life she's known for 20+ years...and as she moves outward, forward, she is reconnecting with people she left behind when she got married. And, yet, while she is moving forward, she finds herself looking back at her life before marriage and examining what propelled her into that relationship and away from others she had back then. This has been a huge source of inspiration for me, about looking back while trying to move forward...my friend seems to be navigating this back and forward, push and pull with grace, letting herself feel, reach out like she didn't in the past and she's finding herself. Both the girl she was - who she wanted to be - and the woman she's become and still becoming. What has called to me has been her rather fearless search for 'why did I pick door #3 and not door #1? and if I had picked either of the other doors, what would my life have been like?' And, what comes up for me is living with regret or rather making the effort to not live with regret. What if she had picked a different door and a relationship she had back then had been the one she stayed with, but, it did not turn out to the the BIG prize any more than the choice she did make. Perhaps Monty Hall had a different plan and she was Divinely guided to pick door #3 so that she could get to where she is today and so that she could be the woman she is today, mature enough to reconnect with one of those past relationships and be prepared for what that relationship has in store for her? And, so, living with the regret of picking door #3 does not add to the forward motion of life and how we're suppsed to get to the REAL bonus round....the one that we couldn't have known was our destiny until now, when we are worn smooth with a brilliant polish, able to shine our true light. And, more than that use our own light to see more clearly what our choices are and make those choices consciously, making 'the deal' with maturity.

I am such a TART......even the guests thought so...although they didn't complain

I am one of those people who uses a recipe "loosely"...so these are my creations from this evening's feast. Above, puff pastry was the 'crust' and i just laid out diced hamsteak, artichoke hearts, swiss cheese, dusted it with salt, pepper, corriander and laid some beautiful sage leaves from the garden, baked at 375 for 25 minutes on a cookie sheet... TA DA! TART!

This one, same crust - puff pastry laid out on cookie sheet and I called this one, 'garden veggie' - used gorganzola, fresh from the garden zucchini, finally found some ripe cherry tomatoes, rosemary from the garden - saute'd some okra I picked up from the neighbor, chopped garlic...this one wasn't going in the direction I had hoped for, so I had to make a modification half way through and sprinkled some panko bread crumbs on the top to help absorb the liquid that was produced by the veggies....but, it came out terribly delicious...again, TA DA! TART!

And, then, the finale - caramelized asian pear and candied walnut TART:

I saved the caramel that I 'poached' the pears in and used that as a sauce over the top as I served the TART and complimented it with homemade whipped cream.....I swear it was like something from Heaven, seriously.

We also accompanied the savory TARTS with, as per our usual around here, a caprese salad...not pictured tonight, because, once you've seen a caprese salad, you've seen them all.

What a lovely evening....chalking off one of my 'to do' list items, "Have more company over for food"....I'm not sure what I was waiting for...a good time was had by all.....

Have a wonderful Sunday.....embrace the light....dwell in your heart...I know I will!

Hot Biscuits from California.....

Inspired by one of my blogging pals, Dar over at Ramblingsaboutwhy .... I photographed the Hibiscus plant at my Dad's place (formerly my Grandmother's place) and just wanted to share.....I love that she calls the Hibiscus "Hot Biscuits"....so, here is ours:

I hope you enjoy....

The weather here has become mild, especially for this time of year, it was a mere 91 degrees today...the garden is beginning to think it's fall....

Roomie and I are having guests for dinner tomorrow night....so, I will share pics of our meal...as I will be preparing a TART....

And, then, I have chores to complete over the rest of the weekend...I will work on a 'real' post for Monday....

Have a wonderful weekend....peace to you

Love, in the snail mail.....

I LOVE to get snail mail....not the junk stuff, real mail, hand addressed persoanally to ME...not some typewritten, bill, advertisement, invitation to a timeshare, you know, non-personal stuff, but, real mail. And, over the weekend I did get a wonderful little package from Christina over at Soul Aperture. I won a little contest she was having....I never win stuff...this was a double blessing!

Inside the envelope I found a beautiful card which had a gorgeous little sterling silver token with the word FAITH engraved on it, tucked inside....and a snappy little photo album with which to stash some of my favorite pics!

Christina, how did you know I collect photo albums? Your package was a wonderful surprise and brightened my weekend, THANK YOU.
S

The days when I was a Tart.....

Several years ago I decided that I wanted to master cheesecake, I wanted to be able to make the SaraLee Cheesecake that my grandmother always bought at the grocery store. It was a favorite of mine...and after some serious research I did find that exact recipe in a Gourmet magazine, which I still have and bust out anytime I want to make a cheesecake. I use that cheesecake recipe for a framework and I've experimented with it for years, augmenting it with all sorts of things, chocolate, berries, cookies, nuts, pumpkin, caramel....I even froze one, one time and then covered it with magic shell chocolate sauce (that one was my favorite)!

Why am I telling you about mastering the cheesecake? I have now decided to master the TART! My Sister gifted me with a sweet little book this weekend, all about Tarts....for me, a gauntlet thrown.....so, tonight, I used a combination of three recipes to bake this wonderful savory Tart:

ingredients: potato, red onion, pancetta, rosemary and fontina cheese, a little olive oil, salt and pepper and some corriander, (my favorite spice). I paired my savory tart with a caprese salad with the first red tomatoes out of my garden and my own garden basil! Yummmmmmm.....

And, for dessert:

Blueberry lemon tart!

I am sooooo going to Master the Tart!

(this is my way of making art and showing love) peace

Little Altars everywhere......

Seek and ye shall find....right? At least that's what I remember from Catechism and I took Catechism classes as an adult, not as a kid, so, my memory of it should be pretty close to the surface. Yes, that's what I remember them saying, "Seek and ye shall find". Boy, have I been seeking, in all kinds of places. I have to confess since I read "Eat, Pray, Love" my search has been a little skewed, in fact, my expectations have been very high as the story of Liz shadowed over my own spiritual quest. I adored the book and the story, I want to move to Italy, learn to speak Italian, study meditation in an Ashram in India and find love in Indonesia, seriously. And, adding fuel to my envy of her spiritual quest, Elizabeth Gilbert is coming to speak at a venue close to home and I am desparate to go see her and hear her speak. (It is a very great possibility that I will be going to that event).

Back to my seeking situation......I have been reading voraciously, all kinds of books on religions, seeking Divine inspiration through prayer and my misguided attempts at meditation and Friday I participated in Kirtan with a group of Hare Krishna's near where I live. After chanting and music (which I thoroughly enjoyed) we cracked open the Bhagavad Gita and read from the scripture....and a man presenting himself as "Brahman _____" attempted to 'teach' the group what the scripture we read meant. This is where my journey into Hinuism comes to an end.....personally, when a person presents themselves as all knowing and then cannot simply articulate the meaning of what he is imparting, I am out the door. I was very excited about attending this form of worship and learning what Krishna had to say and having someone intelligently discuss these lessons, but, I was seriously disappointed and my disappointment has clouded my entire weekend. I was to attend the Sunday afternoon worship and feast with the kind Hare Krishnas, however, I know that I would not have been able to disguise my disappointment from them had they asked what I thought about Kirtan on Friday night over our FEAST....I chickened out and stayed home brooding over my 'find'.

Now, all of my life my family has done their very best to persuade me that either Catholicism or Evangelical faiths are the only true churches and I have made very concerted efforts to respect their judgement, however, I never felt fulfilled by these religions....they didn't like it when I would ask questions. "how does Jesus come back to life?" "how does the wine turn into blood?" "why do I have to ask Jesus to become my personal savior if he loves me unconditionally? won't he save me whether I ask or not?" And, "what do I have to be saved from? I'm a nice person, I do good things for other people and I haven't killed anyone and I carry all kinds of guilt around with me on a daily basis, in fact, I have 8 steamer trunks I carry around with me everywhere I go, can't you see my size 16 caboos?" This is why I keep searching, hoping one day the answers will come.....that is why I would like to learn meditation, to become enlightened, because I've HEARD that when you can escape this plane you find the answers....

After my experience on Friday night....let me add here what actually transpired, my friend Judy, the nurse, the extremely intelligent nurse, got her head caught on some of the scripture we were reading, it went like this, the scripture:

(from the Bhagavad Gita as it is purport)
"There are different processes of religion and purificatory processes by cultivation of knowledge, meditation in the mystic yoga system, etc, but one who surrenders unto Krshna does not have to execute so many methods. The simple surrender unto Krisna will save him from unnecessarily wasting time. One can thus make all progress at once and be freed from all sinful reactions."

These words caught me, too, if the law of the Divine is so simple, why are there so many 'book's (ie; religions)? Why so many words to say the simplest of things; surrender to me and you will find enlightenment, happiness, fulfillment? Why are there holy wars about this simplest of statements? Why do we have to read and interpret ancient texts, in a bazillion languages in order to grasp this one concept? And, this was the question posed to the man who represented himself as the teacher of the Bhagavad Gita.....he could not answer the question with any confidence, he danced around, paused, mumbled, stumbled and reiterated a few phrases he'd already read to us from the Gita, but, did not clearly and or succinctly answer the question....and that's when the answer hit me, came to me as a slow dawning, while I was squinting my eyes and arching my one eyebrow at this man who was supposed to be my teacher....I was hearing my own heart give me the answer: As humans we are incapable of understanding such a vast concept of what the Divine's love is like that it takes many words, debates, even wars for us to sort out that concept, to surrender to the simplicity. We seek out icons, statues, beads, names, architecture, prophets, altars, pen to papers to find something that we can hold, touch, feel, SEE, in order to understand. And, I got that answer on my own, without a teacher.

I know my disappointment is judgemental. I am a judgemental person, although I strive not to be, I judge myself, continually, so, therefore, I tend to judge others...a grave sin, I know, it is something I pray about all the time...but, back to the experience with Bhagavad Gita study. I probably will not go back to the Hare Krishna's, I believe I've found some of the answers I have been seeking and like the prodigal son, I will more than likely return to the Catholic church on an as need basis and the the Evangelical church on an as need basis, blending what I have consumed in my reading with my experiences and pray and continue to find that Spiritual Enlightenment through lame attempts at meditation at the little altars I have scattered throughout my home. I inadvertantly lead my devoutly Evangelical Aunt to believe I was considering Bible college when I asked her where I could study Theology, guess I better let her know that I probably won't be signing up for that. Although, I am still very piqued by the whole Monastic life Monks lead, very mysterious to me....those are some people I would like to ask some questions of......

The real question I wanted to ask at Kirtan on Friday will probably never get answered, "why is Krishna always depicted blue?"

So, she thinks she's a jeweler

Last year, during my year of grieving, I went to jeweler's school. There is a previous blog about how I ended up there....this blog is about some of my jewelery. Why? Because the niece and I finished up some new pieces today and I wanted to, well, blow my horn - (I'm trying to think of how to spell the sound of a horn blowing, nothings coming to me though.)

Hearts are a part of my life...for years I thought they were juvenile, you know, things with little hearts on them were just girly and for little kids, but, after my last heart surgery, I just embraced them. Now, they permeate everything, materially, physically and metaphorically and they also come out in my jewelery making, as evidenced by this little grouping. These hearts are a collaboration with my Nephew, based on a ink drawing he did for me whilst I was recovering from my last surgery.

This is the drawing he did for me....he framed it and it sits on my nightstand, reminding me of him and His heart. This small piece of art inspired me and my signature necklace that I wear all the time. After I had acquired the necessary skills and knowledge, I went to work putting together the 'repaired hearts' you see above. Two weeks ago, my niece asked me if she could have one of the necklaces, I told her yes, but, she would need to make her own. Today, we finished hers and now we both have Anthony's heart near to ours!

Adventures in the garden

I've noticed that my blogs have really taken a somber tone.....a more serious flavor and I miss the fun....wait, did I ever write any fun blogs? might have to check the archives. Anyway, thought I might write on the light side tonight! Check me out, eh? "write on the light side", see, I'm already killing myself, HA!
Let the adventures in the garden begin. I mentioned in yesterday's post that I picked about 100 lemon cucumbers, I swear that is not an exageration and then I did my best to share them all over the place. It was amazing the quantity that one plant put out. I love the garden, it gives me a sense of accomplishment and all I have to do is water it. I guess I can't really take credit for it, Mother Nature gets that right....wait, see, I think I already covered this in another blog....probably ought to stop IM'ing the nephew while I'm trying to write, eh? Sheesh...can't even multi task anymore, dang old timers.

Well, at least Texas has a story to tell, well, maybe....he likes to hunt for frogs in the zucchini plants, 'cept, we don't have no frogs in this garden:

He usually ends up with the end of his nose scraped up and dirt and dead weeds all over him, but, no frogs. He is actually very bad as catching any critters, in fact, he rarely even notices small critters even when they are right in front of him. I have to take the blame for that, he grew up in an apartment, poor kid. He's done a pretty good job of adapting to having a yard to hunt in, but, he's never really adapted his hunting skills.

And then, after a long day in the garden, the NAP:

He is significantly adept at the NAP....as you can see. "The heartbeat at my feet".

He makes me laugh all the time, I cannot imagine the garden being nearly as fun without him, my little peice of TEXAS!

....and she finds the light.....

....or so she thinks......

After my prayer of gratitude this morning I went out into the world, distributing mass quantities of lemon cucumbers and used books to the used book store....AND, may have found a place to learn meditation and maybe some other cool spiritual stuff.  I literally typed into my web browser, "meditation roseville ca" and lo' and behold, I found a meditation center a mere 10 miles from my home! (this was pretty much how I found the Monastery, as well).  I did the necessary errands and then decided to head over to the meditation center. 

When I pulled in to the drive I got all goosepimply....and serene at the same time....you could feel the peace all around.  I met with the director of the center and we toured the grounds and discussed my mission, to learn to meditate....to find my path.  They have a beautiful place, what appears to be a massive house that has been turned into a meditation/yoga/retreat center, literally hidden in the middle of an older suburban neighborhood, right under my nose.....who would have thunk it?  I was figuring I'd have to go all the way to India to find nirvana....but, it is right here in my own backyard...what a gift!  The director was warm, inviting and serene....she listened and shared and I immediately felt like I belonged there, in fact, when we entered the meditation room I felt I had been there before, like I had dreamed about it. 

I begin instruction on Wednesday.....stay tuned!

P.S. to Julochka, I picked over 100 lemon cucumbers this morning....from one plant and there were many, many more I did not get to.....I passed out 12 bags with 1/2 dozen each......;-)

After Focus, Inspiration

Pray with gratitude:

(starting with something easy)
I am grateful that the heat wave seems to have broken just a slight bit....there is a beautiful, lovely breeze blowing through the window this morning.

I am grateful for a new day, in which to paint my future.

I am grateful for the sound of the doves cooing outside my window.

I am grateful for the warmth of my litlle dog snug against my leg, even though it's sunburnt.

I am grateful for my bedroom which has evolved into my tabernacle, where I can meditate and pray and shroud myself in the Divine Mysteries.

I am grateful for my support system without whom I could not do this thing called LIFE.

I am grateful for the used book store and all of the treasures it holds...and which I now hold some of.

I am grateful for fresh garden vegatables and the abundance which is my garden.

I am grateful for my heart, broken, repaired and still ticking....I forget to be grateful for it, most of the time....and my soul heart, for it also keeps on keeping on....no matter how many times it gets broken.

I am grateful for my Sister...in all her broken wonder and her act of courage...it is most inspiring.

Again, I am grateful for this day and am ready to begin it full of gratitude and wonder....amen.

Finding focus.......

Well, usually when things come together too easily, it's a sure sign that it's too good to be true. Signing up for school literally went too smoothly, too good to be true....subsequently, I found out that what I was told and what was reality, did not coincide. I've had to reevaluate what direction I'm going to take and figure out how to support myself while doing that and honestly, it put me in a lost place. I'm kind of floating out in the ether and not sure how to make ground again.

Arrgh, I hate this feeling, the unsureness of myself and my prevous decisions. However, I am better armed now and I can do the leg work and make my situation better, stronger for having the reality revealed to me! I hate having to start over again, but, such is life. We stagger, swagger, stroll, swing, stumble, fall, crawl and get back up and start all over again. I hate the stumble the most, because knowing you're going to get your knees scraped is almost always worse than the scrape......

On my knees again, pray, then eat....love to all.....

My Hero.....a boy in Iraq

I know....he doesn't look like a 'boy'....but, he is. This young man is serving in Iraq right now...and he's ready to come home....and we're ready to have him home. More than ready. I miss him. This is my nephew....an old friend of mine. We were pretty tight when he was a little boy...in fact, kind of inseparable. I remember the day he was born as if it were yesterday, despite the hangover I had.....my sweet nephew was about the only thing that really kept me here on this earth....knowing I'd be leaving him if I did myself in....morbid, but, true. We were such great friends when he was a little boy, but, somewhere along the way, I think I failed him and we lost each other. And, when he was leaving to go away to war, I tried to salvage what there was of our relationship, but, I don't think I did a very good job.I didn't want him to go away to war....I wanted him to rethink his decision and become a man, here, were we all were and where it was safe. I wanted to impose my judgements on him....and he just wanted to go out and prove himself in the most expedient, grand way he could. I knew that was what he was doing and swore to him I'd be just as proud of him if he stayed here and became an auto mechanic, like he (ie; all of his family) planned to do.

I never really had a sense that he would not come back or that he would be harmed physically, however, my heart was aching with what I knew would be the worst emotional pain any person would go through, the loss of someone you loved,...and he lost some of his brothers over there and I did not want that for him, ever. He did in fact grow up while there, but, it seemed like it was a slow process, slower than I assumed it would be....I think he was trying to hold out as long as he could....still be a kid when he could. He says he's angry now and that he gets belligerent....I told him that I believed in his heart and that it is a good and beautiful heart...and that over time, his heart would heal and he could let go of the anger and move on....he said he hoped I was right....he's on his way home for leave....he arrives on August 4th...we have a lot of catching up to do....we've been IM'ing....and becoming friends again....he assures me we were always friends, but, I know I let him down, I wasn't mature enough to be both cool and still be his aunt....I tried, but, again, not mature enough to be both....

When he was little, I was really just beginning my 'photography' passion and he used to follow me around and ask to use my camera. Kid you not, this little munchkin would run my old pentax k1000....when he was like 4 and 5 years old....now, he's an amazing photographer in his own right....he has mad editing skills and a great eye... he makes me jealous of his talent, but, maybe I'm biased ;-). I hope he will be able to use his art to heal himself....I pray he will....

For Mari and Gag.....with love

Perhaps they are not the stars,

but rather openings in Heaven

where the love of our lost ones

pours through and shines down

upon us to let us know they are

Happy

"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt" Will Shakespeare

I am supposed to start school in a few days....school to be a medical assistant.....one of the reasons I went away to the Monastery was to make sure I knew what I was doing and if it was the right thing.....and I am still not sure of my path. Doubt has dogged me since the weekend. I do not have my financial situation completely sorted out and I am not entirely comfortable starting something as big as 18 months of tech school without a back up plan for support. I want to be one of those people who just flies by the seat of their pants, trusting that all will work out....but, I have learned, the hard way, 'the check isn't always in the mail'.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and I used to just live my life by the seat of my pants, figuring things would just work out and usually I ended up broke, about ready to have the lights and the phone turned off and hung over. I'm not that person anymore, but, I am still gunshy about winging it. Part of the trip to the Monastery was to also shore up my Faith, believing that the Divine will provide for me as I come to need.....and for the most part I do believe, however, even the Bible says, "God helps those that help themselves' and at this late stage in my life I don't want to be foolish.

Further, I've had a few conversations about maybe going in a different direction with my education and my goal of giving back....I think I may want to go the whole distance and study nursing, rather than just medical assistant - I am also considering surgical tech - so, I have sort of amended my goal, I guess.

What it really boils down to, is that my intuition is telling me to wait and my brain is trying to override that by telling me I'm just being a chicken. I vowed to quit being a chicken, but, I also vowed to start honoring my gut or rather my heart. I think that things are still just a bit too unsettled for me and I need to step back and re-assess my situation I spoke with the admissions advisor today, but, he doesn't want to hear anything about my reservations, in fact the first thing he did was apply pressure, which makes me even more uncertain about what I'm getting ready to undertake.

Time to pray.......