I am supposed to start school in a few days....school to be a medical assistant.....one of the reasons I went away to the Monastery was to make sure I knew what I was doing and if it was the right thing.....and I am still not sure of my path. Doubt has dogged me since the weekend. I do not have my financial situation completely sorted out and I am not entirely comfortable starting something as big as 18 months of tech school without a back up plan for support. I want to be one of those people who just flies by the seat of their pants, trusting that all will work out....but, I have learned, the hard way, 'the check isn't always in the mail'.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and I used to just live my life by the seat of my pants, figuring things would just work out and usually I ended up broke, about ready to have the lights and the phone turned off and hung over. I'm not that person anymore, but, I am still gunshy about winging it. Part of the trip to the Monastery was to also shore up my Faith, believing that the Divine will provide for me as I come to need.....and for the most part I do believe, however, even the Bible says, "God helps those that help themselves' and at this late stage in my life I don't want to be foolish.
Further, I've had a few conversations about maybe going in a different direction with my education and my goal of giving back....I think I may want to go the whole distance and study nursing, rather than just medical assistant - I am also considering surgical tech - so, I have sort of amended my goal, I guess.
What it really boils down to, is that my intuition is telling me to wait and my brain is trying to override that by telling me I'm just being a chicken. I vowed to quit being a chicken, but, I also vowed to start honoring my gut or rather my heart. I think that things are still just a bit too unsettled for me and I need to step back and re-assess my situation I spoke with the admissions advisor today, but, he doesn't want to hear anything about my reservations, in fact the first thing he did was apply pressure, which makes me even more uncertain about what I'm getting ready to undertake.
Time to pray.......