Wednesday, July 15, 2009

"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt" Will Shakespeare

I am supposed to start school in a few to be a medical of the reasons I went away to the Monastery was to make sure I knew what I was doing and if it was the right thing.....and I am still not sure of my path. Doubt has dogged me since the weekend. I do not have my financial situation completely sorted out and I am not entirely comfortable starting something as big as 18 months of tech school without a back up plan for support. I want to be one of those people who just flies by the seat of their pants, trusting that all will work out....but, I have learned, the hard way, 'the check isn't always in the mail'.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and I used to just live my life by the seat of my pants, figuring things would just work out and usually I ended up broke, about ready to have the lights and the phone turned off and hung over. I'm not that person anymore, but, I am still gunshy about winging it. Part of the trip to the Monastery was to also shore up my Faith, believing that the Divine will provide for me as I come to need.....and for the most part I do believe, however, even the Bible says, "God helps those that help themselves' and at this late stage in my life I don't want to be foolish.

Further, I've had a few conversations about maybe going in a different direction with my education and my goal of giving back....I think I may want to go the whole distance and study nursing, rather than just medical assistant - I am also considering surgical tech - so, I have sort of amended my goal, I guess.

What it really boils down to, is that my intuition is telling me to wait and my brain is trying to override that by telling me I'm just being a chicken. I vowed to quit being a chicken, but, I also vowed to start honoring my gut or rather my heart. I think that things are still just a bit too unsettled for me and I need to step back and re-assess my situation I spoke with the admissions advisor today, but, he doesn't want to hear anything about my reservations, in fact the first thing he did was apply pressure, which makes me even more uncertain about what I'm getting ready to undertake.

Time to pray.......


Bonnie Zieman, M.Ed. said...

In the therapeutic community there is a saying "the body doesn't lie". If you are not sure which part of yourself to listen to - try listening to your body. Here's an easy way:
You are going to flip a coin to decide. e.g. Heads: medical assistant vs. Tails: nurse. You have to really pretend (believe) that you will do whatever "answer" you get when you flip the coin. No question - if it is tails you will switch to nursing. The key here is not whether it comes up head or tails but to notice what you experience in your body when you see which side of the coin comes up. If you feel tense, tight, or constricted, or you hold your breath, or you feel a pang in your chest - then that is a signal from your body (that doesn't lie) that it is probably not for you. If you notice that you smile, or feel relief, or sigh in relief, or experience warmth in your chest - whatever, then your body (that doesn't lie) is saying it probably is for you.
It's just a little experiment that can give you more information with which to make your decision. What you are really interested in is your body's reaction not which side of the coin comes up. But for your body to truthfully react your mind has to get on board with the exercise and "believe or pretend" that the flip of the coin will determine your schooling fate. Of course, one would not be that reckless, it is just a means to get the reaction from your truthful body.

Good Luck !

An Open Heart said...

Thanks, Bonnie....I love that idea and appreciate your feedback! I will try this experiment.