Cheating on myself....the realization

A few nights back I dreamed a poem. In my dream I was composing this poem and it was beautiful. In the dream I posted the poem on my blog and it was beautiful. I distinctly remember waking up wondering about the poem, however, there was no evidence of it's existence.

I like to write. Let's say I love to write. It's likely I'll never be of the caliber of Hemmingway, Tolstoy, Austen, Poe, Plath, Brian, Otin, Willow, etc., but, still, some of my writing will touch a few people. The dream about the poem prompted lots of thoughts about my writing and my writing caliber. I'm having fun in my English class at school and am looking forward to honing my technical skills as a result of the class. But,(can we use 'but' at the beginning of a sentence?)I have been wondering if I will ever really be any good as a 'Writer'.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been really examining my writing and the content of my blog and thinking back to when I first started the blog. I was going to write only for me and if anyone else read it, well then, that would be gravy....but, I've fallen into a hole and I've allowed myself to get away from that, because I started to care about followers and comments from followers. I've read similar ponderings on various other blogs and those posts contributed to my thinking.

My earliest posts are really some of my best because I was only writing for myself and had no audience but me(is that the correct pronoun?). No one who I felt was judging my content, no one who might pat me on the back and validate me. I was validated by merely putting my thoughts, my prose, out into the ether. I miss that and am wondering if I am capable of going back. I'm wondering if maybe I've shared my blog with too many people and have short changed myself in the process.

I've become addicted to follower comments and the feeling of satisfaction I get from knowing someone read my blog. AND, they thought enough of the post to comment. And, sometimes when I don't get alot of comments I worry about losing followers. I've begun to understand how Brittney Spears and Jessica Simpson might have felt when they weren't getting their 90 minutes of fame everyday. I have begun to feel a little shamed by these feelings and I know it has affected my writing. ALOT.

One of the first times Julochka commented on my blog was about writing and what we put into our blog posts and our writing practice. I had it in my head that I would stick to a certain writing regimen and if I didn't stick with it I found that I would beat myself up for falling away. I've been doing that to myself a little bit lately. And, although writing and blogging are for my pleasure, I feel like the audience has taken the pleasure out of it for me. It's like going to a family party and not taking my camera....I always get harrassed about that, "Where's your camera?" "Who's going to take the pictures?" The harrassment takes the pleasure out of the shooting. Much like the interal pressure I apply to myself about my blog content and responses or lack of responses from followers.....catering to any one besides myself has taken the fun out of it.

I'm not saying I don't love that people are reading and commenting....I love you all and am grateful for your input, participation and, well, validation of my existence, because, as lots of bloggy people say, if I don't exist in the blogoshpere, then I must not exist. I'm just taking a personal inventory of my motives and drives regarding my blog writing and trying to find my way back to a place where I can write with abandon and respect myself in the morning.

I actually took a post down the other day....I am ashamed to say, because I thought it might offend some people who MIGHT have been reading my blog. First I 'edited' it, but, could not get the post 'cleaned' up enough for my "maybe" audience, so, I deleted it. For the next couple of days I felt dishonest and seriously, like I had cheated on someone....then, I realized, I had cheated on myself. Not like I haven't done that before, but, I was drinking back then......

I want my writing to be real. I want to be brave enough to write real, EVERY time I write. And, to not second guess my writing once I've put it out there. But, I also want to write something worth reading, something interesting, entertaining, deep, inspiring, something that begets comments....only I don't want to care about whether or not I get the comments.....I'm tired of putting up posts with just a picture or two and writing some weak 'captions' and call that writing. I've been avoiding posting for this very reason. I'm trying to figure out how to get back to 'the old days'.

Anyway.....that's where I am tonight......I'm the Old Man and the Sea, just trying to find my way back to port with my catch......

Peace
♥