Monday, November 30, 2009
Making room for more life....
I've already shared here that I love Christmas. It is my favorite time of year, just like the song says. I love all bits and parts of it and can't wait to decorate, bake, make merry and even shop. I love the special traditions our little family has and how we embrace them every year, giving thought to the past. Some of our traditions have died away and others I can't even remember why we do them or where they came from, others, I started in hopes of leaving something of my childlike wonder regarding Christmas to generations after me.
Over the weekend my niece and I decorated my Dad's house with a good portion of my Christmas decorations, as my home is far too small for the many things I have accumulated over the years. It is a tradition for my niece and her mom and I to do the major decorating together. For many years my house has been the place where we have celebrated, for many different reasons, but mostly, because I wanted to host and I had a place to do the celebrating in. Because we spent most of the day together decorating my dad's place, the girls did not come to my house to help with my decorating....and because of that, I had too much time to think.....
My birthday is on December 11th, two weeks before Christmas, I will be 44 years old. I have never been married, nor do I have any children of my own and for the greater part of my adult life that has been okay with me, but for times like friday night when I was completely alone decorating my tree, it began to hurt. My life is my own making, I accept this, I've chosen my singlehood. I've been very blessed with other people's children in my life and have always had wonderful friends who I celebrate the season with, but none of these people are my own nuclear family. Don't misunderstand, I love the family I've chosen, the friends I have are family to me, but I cannot cuddle up to my best friend's husband on a cold winter's night after the tree has been decorated and admire our handy work.....that just wouldn't fly, nor would I want it to.
I have always just believed that the right person for me is out there and that on the very last day that I would expect it he will arrive....I will not like him at first and slowly I will find that I really wasn't meant to be alone.
But at Christmastime I find that I regret not making an effort to procure more of a legacy of myself. I wonder what it would have been like to wake up Christmas morning with a child of my own to meet at the tree and watch as they were surprised by a visit from Santa Claus. A little one to tell the story of how or why we find a stocking full on Christmas morning or to watch A Christmas Carol with each year or to take around town and look at all of the neighbors lights. And a mate to share all of that with, someone to conspire with about gifts, party plans and to help hang the lights. Someone to leave my Christmas Spirit with....even more than some one, maybe two...someones.
This year just seems to be my year for addressing my regrets....and not having my own someone to pass down traditions to or to share with has hit me harder than previous years. Maybe because my mortality has been called out this year in so many ways, I'm contemplating what will be left of me when I am gone. Although 44 is not old, it is one more year, gone, finito, bye-bye and one more year I'll never get back. One more year that I will spend single at Christmas.
This post has been brewing for a couple of days and initially I resisted writing it because I did not want to deal with the feelings, but I needed to put these feelings out into the ether, to purge myself, so I can move past them. To let go of what feels like loss and make room for more life.
Making room for my Christmas.....