Monday, November 30, 2009

Making room for more life....



I've already shared here that I love Christmas. It is my favorite time of year, just like the song says. I love all bits and parts of it and can't wait to decorate, bake, make merry and even shop. I love the special traditions our little family has and how we embrace them every year, giving thought to the past. Some of our traditions have died away and others I can't even remember why we do them or where they came from, others, I started in hopes of leaving something of my childlike wonder regarding Christmas to generations after me.

Over the weekend my niece and I decorated my Dad's house with a good portion of my Christmas decorations, as my home is far too small for the many things I have accumulated over the years. It is a tradition for my niece and her mom and I to do the major decorating together. For many years my house has been the place where we have celebrated, for many different reasons, but mostly, because I wanted to host and I had a place to do the celebrating in. Because we spent most of the day together decorating my dad's place, the girls did not come to my house to help with my decorating....and because of that, I had too much time to think.....

My birthday is on December 11th, two weeks before Christmas, I will be 44 years old. I have never been married, nor do I have any children of my own and for the greater part of my adult life that has been okay with me, but for times like friday night when I was completely alone decorating my tree, it began to hurt. My life is my own making, I accept this, I've chosen my singlehood. I've been very blessed with other people's children in my life and have always had wonderful friends who I celebrate the season with, but none of these people are my own nuclear family. Don't misunderstand, I love the family I've chosen, the friends I have are family to me, but I cannot cuddle up to my best friend's husband on a cold winter's night after the tree has been decorated and admire our handy work.....that just wouldn't fly, nor would I want it to.

I have always just believed that the right person for me is out there and that on the very last day that I would expect it he will arrive....I will not like him at first and slowly I will find that I really wasn't meant to be alone.

But at Christmastime I find that I regret not making an effort to procure more of a legacy of myself. I wonder what it would have been like to wake up Christmas morning with a child of my own to meet at the tree and watch as they were surprised by a visit from Santa Claus. A little one to tell the story of how or why we find a stocking full on Christmas morning or to watch A Christmas Carol with each year or to take around town and look at all of the neighbors lights. And a mate to share all of that with, someone to conspire with about gifts, party plans and to help hang the lights. Someone to leave my Christmas Spirit with....even more than some one, maybe two...someones.

This year just seems to be my year for addressing my regrets....and not having my own someone to pass down traditions to or to share with has hit me harder than previous years. Maybe because my mortality has been called out this year in so many ways, I'm contemplating what will be left of me when I am gone. Although 44 is not old, it is one more year, gone, finito, bye-bye and one more year I'll never get back. One more year that I will spend single at Christmas.

This post has been brewing for a couple of days and initially I resisted writing it because I did not want to deal with the feelings, but I needed to put these feelings out into the ether, to purge myself, so I can move past them. To let go of what feels like loss and make room for more life.

Making room for my Christmas.....

Peace

13 comments:

Tracy said...

Christmas really has a way of bring to surface a lot of feelings, emotions. We may grow older, but there is so much life yet to live, so much out there for us. And for you I hope the New Year will hold so much joy--including that "special someone". :o) "...make room for more life"... I love that! Happy Days as you make ready for the holidays and more. ((HUGS))

CatLadyLarew said...

"I have always just believed that the right person for me is out there and that on the very last day that I would expect it he will arrive....I will not like him at first and slowly I will find that I really wasn't meant to be alone."

That describes my feelings exactly! The holidays seem to be the time when these feeling crop up. Although I've been married, it was to someone who didn't appreciate me. (Always trying to change me.) While Christmas brings up those feeling for me, it also brings a sense of hope... maybe it's the childlike wonder of possibilities. Sending hugs your way!

Brian Miller said...

happy early birthday...you know, i imagine the right person will be there, at just the right time. lovely new header...

Sara said...

That's a good Christmas (and birthday) wish. Of course, this means that you need to talk more to the guys that you don't like very much to get to know them. :) Maybe in a class?

Don't look at it as one more year gone or lost but instead as the beginning of a fresh year full of possibility. Perspective makes a huge difference.

*hugs*

spudballoo said...

Oh honey, this is very hard to read. I do empathise, i was single for a LONG time before I met MrSpud and truly believed it would never happen for me. I never made my peace with that, to be honest. I could live with it, but I didn't want to. And, yes, the holidays are the worst for feeling very single...even if one choses that.

Well, happy birthday for the 11th. It's my birthday on the 5th. 39....might as well round it up and call it 40 huh?

Hugs to you, it's a new year beginning, not just one finished with. Here's to you xxx

Dayne Gingrich said...

Glad you decided to write this, as many many people are feeling the same way, thinking they're alone in those feelings.

By sharing, you heal... not only yourself, but others as well. You may or may not hear from those you've helped by this post, but they're there ~ and now feeling less alone because of your words.

Know the above to be true! Know that you just helped someone you've never met! Make that your priority of thought!

Great post!

Dayne

otin said...

We have many similar feelings.

Sometimes, as a good friend of mine said, "You can be alone even if you live in a full house."

Your image of a Norman Rockwell existence is a very rare occurence.

I wish that I was alone! :)

I have no kids, either.

rxBambi said...

Reading this post reminds me so much of Schmecky (remember her), as well as my oldest sister. I think that person is out there, you just haven't found him yet.

Here's to being comfortable with who we are...

ps- my mom was 44 when she had me

rxBambi said...

pps - I forgot to say how great the photo is :)

staceyjwarner said...

Girl, you sound like you have one foot in the grave! You have plenty of life to live!!!!!!!!!!!

Get on-line, find a man, adopt a kid there is so much to do, granted it's not easy but you have so much to live for.

Now I know you were just having a moment here but you've seemed a little sad for awhile. So I'm sending you lots of WARM and LOVING thoughts because you are an amazing human being worthy of being loved and having all your dreams come true. Do not give up on that...

much love

Se'Lah said...

Happy Birthday (in advanced)...hope you enjoy to the fullest.

wishing you many more.

julochka said...

i'm behind on my reading, as usual...this post brought tears to my eyes. but i think it's really important, as you say, to get these feelings out there, to admit them, to literally remove them from inside you and onto the page. that's so healthy. and if writing is the new praying (which i believe it is), then these words will go out into the world, like a prayer and you will indeed have made room for your christmas and more in your life in the coming year.

and forty-four's not bad at all. forty is the new thirty and it's really only thirty-fourteen, if you think about it. :-)

xox,
/j

Graciel @ Evenstar Art said...

Just so you know, I understand every word you say here. Every word.

xo