Life is messy....no matter how much you don't want it to be....

I was given the honest scrap award this week and tonight I'm pondering back through my blog and sort of examining my honesty....I have laid myself open about alot of things, but, I've not really revealed too many skeletons about myself, but, tonight, seemed to be a good night to do it. Why tonight? Well, because the party in The Boy's (my nephew) honor was over shadowed by his arrest friday night for drunk driving......no one was hurt, not even his car....but, he did spend the night in jail and we, his family were disappointed and dismayed, especially his little sister. Why is this about my honesty? Because, I have a drunk driving arrest in my past as well, in fact, two, in a three month span, when I was in my early 20's. (The Boy is 23) and while I wanted to be mad at him for his stupidity, I cannot allow judgement to come across, as I was guilty of the same offense, twice.

This of course is not something I'm proud of, however, if you knew me in the real world, you would already know this about me because I don't really shy away from sharing, if the topic comes up. I have been sober going on 14 years now....it doesn't bother me to be around people who drink, I can hang out in a bar and have a good time, I can go to parties and enjoy the atmosphere and I have no issue with other people who imbibe.....I just can't drink and choose not to do so......however......

In my early 20's I was pretty screwed up and I drank and did drugs. There were several close calls where I probably dodged some serious bullets. I was not a pretty drunk, not nice, nor was I a good drunk, in other words, I could not handle my liquor and took alot of risks. In fact, an old drinking buddy of mine and I would say, "we should be dead"....fact is, with my heart condition I am literally lucky to be alive, especially because of the drinking and drugging.

One would have thought the double DUI's in such a short period of time would have cured me, but, they didn't, not for a few more years after those arrests. I went to AA (A great program for those who work it), but, did not find what I needed there, I was still drinking and I went to AA to convince myself I wasn't an alcoholic (drunk)...eventually, I had a near miss on new year's eve 1995 (possible leathal combo of prescription drugs and alcohol) and woke up new year's day 1996 and realized what I'd almost done to myself and decided right then and there, either choose to live or die, but, make a choice. And, I made the 'one day at a time" choice. I woke up on new year's day and said, "I'm not drinking today". and the next day, the same thing, until 3 months had passed and I was sober. I never really wanted to die, but, I did want to be able to shed my need for complete control over everything and alcohol provided me with the lack of control I wanted to be able to exercise. (does that make sense?)

I count my sobriety from that new year's day, but, and this is the big secret, very few people know this part.....and now I'm putting it out into the ether....after I was sober about two years, I wanted to see if I could drink again, you know, just check to see if I could have a couple of beers and coast, without wanting to over indulge. My Mom, my BFF and I went on a trip together, we visited an old friend of my Mom's in southern california and I confided in my Mom and BFF that I wanted to test the waters....they supported my decision and promised to never speak of it if that was what I wanted....to my knowledge, neither has ever told another soul....I drank two beers one evening on that weekend trip....finding out that I did not like the feeling of being buzzed - did not like it one bit and became committed to my sobriety and knew from that moment on, I would never drink again, nor would I ever miss it. I think to some people that might be cheating on my sobriety years, but, truly it isn't, because the experiment only cemented my sobriety and I did not fall off the wagon because I wanted to get lost in a bottle, but, rather to reinforce my sobriety. I know, people can rationalize anything they want, but, I'm okay with my experiment and how it turned out.

I am sober now and have been for longer than I was a drunk,I do admit to wishing I could have a good glass of wine with a nice meal, although it is not a wish that carries any weight, I do not miss drinking or all of the messy parts that comes with that lack of control. Am I a control freak? not so much, I do like to have some kind of control over my life, at least feel like I'm in charge of my life, with the help of the Divine, so, drinking isn't really necessary for my purposes anymore.

Any other drunk secrets would only be stories about my alcoholic escapades and most of them while to a certain degree would be funny, eventually they are all just sad and pathetic. Sometimes, when I think I'm sharing deep wisdom with one of the kids in my life, I will tell a funny drunk story to highlight a point, but, for the most part, I've let that part of me go...I still find that once in awhile a memory of something I did while drunk will pop into my head and I will have to look in the mirror and forgive myself and let it go.

The Boy may have some bigger complications than I had when I was arrested and dealing with my restitution and I hope that it doesn't completely ruin his life....it's different now, than it was when I screwed up, the consequences weren't quite as high, nor was I active duty military, so, again, I hope this doesn't completely derail his life....he is so close to getting out and getting on with his life. Sadly, The Boy had confided in me a few times before he came home on leave that he is angry, just tore up angry about his service and what it was like for him and that is why he drinks and he confessed that he was afraid he is an alcoholic and doesn't want to be and he hoped that once he was home for good, he would be able to get sober........sometimes life is messy, no matter how much you don't want it to be......

P.S., I wanted to put up pictures of the fabulous food we had for dinner and regale you with photos of our celebration, but, alas, a photo from the fair with a scary ride seemed more appropriate, plus, in all the drama I forgot to take pictures of our dinner......

P.S.S. for a more lighthearted post, if you didn't already read it, read the previous post about the county fair.

Peace and as my friend Christina at Soul Aperture says, One Love,
S