Sunday, August 9, 2009

"Map out your future, but do it in pencil." Jon Bon Jovi

On Friday I was over at the career college I hope to attend, taking an assessment test. I didn't need to be there until noon, so, my morning was wide open, but, long about 9:00 a.m. I started getting grumpy, kind of resenting that I had to take an assessment test at all, not to mention the 40 minute drive I had to make to get over to the college. I'm not naive, I'm aware that there are alot of people out there that can't read or write or do a simple math equation, I know this is a problem and accept that any place of higher education has to 'assess' people to see A) if they can read, write and equate and at what level, and B) also decide who will be able to complete the programs they offer successfully. Because I was resenting the fact that an assessment was necessary, I began thinking about how I got to where I am and I began to wonder where I might be if I'd have taken a different path. I know, "the path" is getting old on this here blog, but, that's what this blog is about, life and the road I'm traveling, so, back to my thought....what was it? Oh, yeah, what if I'd have taken a different path? Again, I find myself looking back, whilst I'm trying to move forward and I think it is because I'm looking for some kind of sign that will tell me which path would have been the better choice. Then, as I start to ponder a different path, I realize, all of the blessings I've received in this path might have been missed, right?

Last night I put out a post with some random tidbits about me....it was a struggle to find just those nine things that seemed, well, random and as I was trying to scrounge those things up I found myself reminiscing about my life before today. Some of the comments (very kind ones) were about how varied my life has been or that I was adventurous and yet, I do not see my life that way. In fact, I think my life has been quite ordinary, accept for the three heart surgeries...but, that's just a cake walk anymore. I find that the more I search for meaning in my life, the more I realize that meaning is about your own personal reality. The meaning in my life is about what I make of it. And, when I get my head around this concept, I always go to the Responsibility Prayer:

I am responsible for what I see.
I choose the feelings I experience, and I
decide upon the goal I would achieve.
And everything that seems to happen to me I
ask for, and receive as I have asked.

This is powerful stuff, being responsible for my own reality and sometimes I fall short. I will know this week if the school I've been working with to study nursing will allow me into their program and if I will be able to get the financing in order to pay for it. These two things are huge. I have been praying like mad for the Divine to give me some clear indication if I have picked the right path...which I know isn't going to be a big sign posted in my drive way that says, "Yep, you picked the right door this time." If I am accepted but the financing is a NO I will probably buckle and consider that my sign. If all variables fall into place I begin school 2nd week in October. I do have a fall back, the medical assisting program and the financing for that is still available to me, however, not my first choice. (This option for training also starts first part of October).

So, between here (today) and there (October) I have a blank canvas with which to paint my new reality. And, believe it or not, that is the most daunting part of what is going on with me. Yeah, two months of free time. (I've already had a month and a half and feel like I've wasted it, wondering 'what to do'?) I started a list today....I wonder how many items I will get checked off before October....

5 comments:

Otin said...

My life has been pretty ordinary. I have always felt that I could accomplish so much more, but never really strived to do so!

An Open Heart said...

Otin,
The writing on you blog is amazing....
certainly not ordinary!
S ;o)

Brian Miller said...

for the last several months i have been in that place...having derailed a successful career 5 years ago I set off to accomplish what I felt I was called to do...then in February it stopped...the last several months have been a time of waiting and praying those similar prayers...maybe they are coming to an end soon. enjoy this time...you will find your next step will come. you may not see the one after that, but...

McGillicutty said...

Don't buckle if the financing is not avail, look elsewhere, there are millions of possibilities and just cos one prick says no there are more who will say yes!!!!! Create your path, don't look for the arrows.
This coming from a total underachiever... I am better at telling people to do what I know is right!!! hahaha...

julochka said...

i look for signs too, but am not sure they really come. i think what comes is our own intuition and that when we let go for a second and exhale we can hear it speak to us. i'm not sure you can force it. and i don't think time is ever really wasted. tho' i worry about that too. i'm not at all religious, but the inner presbyterian i was raised believes we're guided towards the right path. i'm certain you'll find yours, even if it's not what you think it might be. as cavafy says in ithaca "When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge." it's really all about the journey we're on. :-)

xox,
/j

p.s. if you want to read the rest of the cavafy, it's here: http://users.hol.gr/~barbanis/cavafy/ithaca.html