Last night I put out a post with some random tidbits about me....it was a struggle to find just those nine things that seemed, well, random and as I was trying to scrounge those things up I found myself reminiscing about my life before today. Some of the comments (very kind ones) were about how varied my life has been or that I was adventurous and yet, I do not see my life that way. In fact, I think my life has been quite ordinary, accept for the three heart surgeries...but, that's just a cake walk anymore. I find that the more I search for meaning in my life, the more I realize that meaning is about your own personal reality. The meaning in my life is about what I make of it. And, when I get my head around this concept, I always go to the Responsibility Prayer:
I am responsible for what I see.
I choose the feelings I experience, and I
decide upon the goal I would achieve.
And everything that seems to happen to me I
ask for, and receive as I have asked.
This is powerful stuff, being responsible for my own reality and sometimes I fall short. I will know this week if the school I've been working with to study nursing will allow me into their program and if I will be able to get the financing in order to pay for it. These two things are huge. I have been praying like mad for the Divine to give me some clear indication if I have picked the right path...which I know isn't going to be a big sign posted in my drive way that says, "Yep, you picked the right door this time." If I am accepted but the financing is a NO I will probably buckle and consider that my sign. If all variables fall into place I begin school 2nd week in October. I do have a fall back, the medical assisting program and the financing for that is still available to me, however, not my first choice. (This option for training also starts first part of October).
So, between here (today) and there (October) I have a blank canvas with which to paint my new reality. And, believe it or not, that is the most daunting part of what is going on with me. Yeah, two months of free time. (I've already had a month and a half and feel like I've wasted it, wondering 'what to do'?) I started a list today....I wonder how many items I will get checked off before October....