Monday, September 14, 2009

Something to think about.

Last night's post was huge....and it felt good to write the story down. I thought it might come across humorous, as I like to think that I have given the story some levity, at least in my mind that's what I'm doing. Roomie felt maybe I was bitter and angry and asked if I could let it go, the anger, or rather why I don't let it go? And, this is a valid question. The bigger questions are, why am I really angry about having to have the device? why, If I'm so sure the device was not necessary did I agree to have it implanted? And, if I'm so sure it isn't necessary why don't I have the device removed and not have a new one implanted? AND, if I feel like maybe the original diagnosis was not a good one, did I not get a second opinion?

All good questions. The answer to all of them is fear. And, the anger, is really anger at myself for not being strong enough to question the situation further when the device was originally implanted. The evidence, or rather gut feeling I have about the situation did not form until I looked back on multiple situations occurring over the last couple of years, piecing together my hypothesis. Regardless of my hypothesis or feelings, I am not a medical doctor, much less a specialist in the electrophysiology of the heart, therefore, I have to decide to respect the diagnosis and find a way to let go of my bitterness and anger.

The situation I find myself in now, is like getting a do, what do I do? Do I change my mind and just have them remove the ICD or do I trust that the doctors have my best interest at heart (pun, total pun intended)and get a new and improved ICD and move on with my life, leaving my fear behind? I'm not ready to die, so, taking a risk by having the ICD removed with no replacement, could in essence be a death wish.....

I see the "EP Guy" tomorrow, we will be discussing my options. Stay tuned, please.

To the Divine, please take away the fear, anger and bitterness, replace it with forgiveness for myself, recognizing that I did the best I could and if I could have done better I would have. Give me peace for the journey ahead......



Dayne Gingrich said...

"please take away the fear, anger and bitterness, replace it with forgiveness for myself..."

That quote from you says it all! I wish you (I won't say luck, because it's not about luck) peace, fearlessness, and clarity!

(Thank you for such wonderful comments... and I DID change 'ex' to 'former.' Thanks for that too).


Brian Miller said...

may you find the strength to forgive and live unencumbered. there have been times over the last little bit that the Divine and I have had some stern talks...but really it was about learning to be ok with myself. i hope you have a great day!

Lubna said...

Hi fellow Saggi,
I hopped here from Relyn's blog. Am undergoing some medical troubles of my own. You are an amazing person, so will just leave you with what has become my recent favourite words (Yes, please excuse the British spelling):
Life is mostly froth and bubble; two things stand like stone; Kindness in another's troubles; Courage in your own.
Chin up, you will conquer this phase. Not sure whether I will drop by again soon, but I hope to.

Bonnie Zieman, M.Ed. said...

Sounds like you now have a real good "handle" on what you are dealing with physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Awareness is the starting point of healing and growth. You should be proud of all the internal sorting and inquiring you are doing.

f8hasit said...

I hate it when someone tells me to 'just let it go", it makes it all the more vile in my mind rather than have the effect that the person telling me hope it will have!

It really IS about being okay with yourself, and making youir own decisions, not doing something because someone else wants you to.

Great post. Love your 'prayer' to the divine. I hope you have a wonderful, positive day.

julochka said...

i have to tell you that i didn't read the zapping post as angry or bitter at all. i did see the humor in it. and i could also see that you were ready to make a rather clear-headed analysis of the situation. of course we question our medical diagnoses, it sounds like you've had more than one in your lifetime that wasn't quite "on." i guess that's why they call it "practicing" medicine. those doctors are just practicing.

Pat said...

I, too, saw humor in the post yesterday. As far as believing the doctors know EVERYTHING? Not really. You can make an educated decision AFTER you've gotten a second opinion. You've done some research. Follow your heart. (pun intended)

Mike said...

I would go with what the doctors say. They are not perfect, but they are usually on the right track! I do think that 2nd opinions are good.

Sharon Rose said...

Wow. . .no need for a comment here. you said it very well!