(peaking in on life in San Francisco - cool housing)
I've been reading a lot of blogs this week. I've been finding all kinds of inspiration and perspective. I've talked about living with regret a few times on this blog and although I keep promising myself I will let go of the regret, I continure to find myself wondering what my life would have been like if I had done things differently when I was a young person. You know, picked a different door.....
I guess this is what they call a mid-life crisis, only in my case, no one is going to get hurt......I'll just continue to be confused and unsettled, restless and regretful. I made a couple of statements in passing about wishing I had the guts to move to San Francisco and live.....those that 'heard' me, encouraged it....asked me, "why not?" I can come up with all kinds of excuses, but, no real reason for why not. I love that city, I really do, but, something about it seems lonely and as much as I like being alone, sometimes, I get lonely and San Francisco is a place that being alone, just might get lonely, more often than not. Again, I can come up with all kinds of excuses why I shouldn't/couldn't/ won't move there....at least right now I can.
I feel like I spend my life in a series of episodes, where I'm waiting for the next part of my life to start. When I moved in to care for my grandmother I knew that 'another' part of my life would start once she was gone and after she was gone and I was handling the estate's business, I would start my life once that was done and then, once that was done, I went to jeweler's school and when that was done I would start my life......do you see the pattern? And I think I have lived my whole life this way, waiting for my life to start. And, I keep getting these cosmic notices that I should be paying attention to life everyday as I live it, but, do I listen? Hell NO, I just keep stumbling through trying to keep my head above water....maybe that's what is going on with me, I always feel like I'm just barely keeping my head above water and I'm just so damn tired of doing that.
I'm a smart girl, everyone says so and really, I know I'm a smart girl, but, I am also a small town girl....not small town, like actually living in a small town, I mean a small town mentality. I have been places, like England, France, Belgium, Holland, Texas and Georgia and Upstate New York , Pennsylvania and I've even been to the Jersey shore, but, I have mostly been unaware, except for Georgia, I was young when I went to these other places and couldn't really appreciate what I was experiencing, but, I digress, small town mentality, I don't venture out too far from my little neighborhood and the blogosphere has made me painfully aware of my small-townness and produced restlessness in me. Although I mask it, most of the time with false cynicism, I still get hurt and surprised when things don't turn out like I thought they would and alot of times I take people at their word, even when it sounds too good to be true.....so, I stay where I am, because at least I KNOW where I am and there is no risk in it. Moving to San Francisco would be a HUGE risk and therefore, a possible disappointment and these kinds of thoughts are what hold me back, keep me restless for something MORE.
This is what this blog is for, discussing how to recover from a life not lived. Someone who was my friend for a time threw the name of my blog in my face....she said, "I would NEVER have a blog named recovery from a life not lived because I'm not afraid to go out and look for what I want even if it goes against convention." (or something to that effect). And, although it hurt and pissed me off, she was right. In other words, she was fearless and I am a chicken shit.....
I keep telling myself going to nursing school is going to open sooooo many doors for me, that moving to San Francisco would actually become a very real possibility for me and I think that scares me. I won't have any excuses for holding back, I will have the means to go virtually anywhere I want and have a marketable skill. I won't be small-town anymore.
This stuff is very real for me, living with the fear of stepping out and not believing that I deserve to have a big life. One time a few years back my Aunt and I were having a serious talk, (my Aunt is my go to person when I'm really trying to figure things out) and I was sharing with her that I thought I was meant for something big, something more than what I was doing and that I was feeling like my life was suffocating me and she told me that she always thought that God had bigger plans for me, that I was meant for something great and as she was saying it, it felt real, like she knew something I didn't. This was an very important conversation for me, because I respect her immensely and she always seems to have the inside track on life and it's mysteries. From that point on, I really believed that there was something big out there waiting for me.....but, sometimes I wonder if that didn't contribute to my thought that 'someday my life will begin' rather than knowing that the stuff I was doing everyday was the stuff LIFE is made up of.
I love the blogosphere, it has actually drawn me out of myself, perhaps the irony won't be lost here, as I don't actually ever have to leave my bedroom to go out into the blogoshpere, but, it has pulled me out into 'the world', where I am seeing what the possibilities are. The fact that I can read about Denmark where Julochka at Moments of perfect clarity shares stories of her life and adventures and Extranjera at What will I ever do with my life shares with us about her expat life globetrotting all over the place and Violet dear at Madness and Beauty shows us how to backpack through Asia and Spud and Bee share with us about their lives in England (where I am sure I was actually meant to be born because I totally LOVE England in a very ancient kind of way) and of course, Tangobaby showing us how beautiful and enticing San Francisco is. All of these blogs inspire me to want more to want to be more to quit 'waiting for my life to start'.