Tuesday, September 8, 2009

“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone-we find it with another.” Thomas Merton


(whilst in the middle of a mini meltdown earlier today, I wrote a post....blogger provided me with yet another set of challenges and I kept trying to edit my post and it only got worse and worse....so, I deleted it in order to start again....but, then my web browser shut down and all of my steam was lost in the ether....so, this will be a rebuild of that post, I think.....)

I was having a hard time today dealing with my medical situation.....I felt utterly alone. Although, I am not alone in the world by any stretch of the imagination, it is in these times that I feel most alone, that I feel the aloneness that I have built around myself. It is in these times that I wish there was that 'someone' who I could lean on, really lean on, who would do the digging for the old paperwork from my last surgery, do the research on the internet regarding the recall of my device, contact the doctors and set up the appointments and then, go with me to the appointments and hold my hand while I listen to the doctors, yet again, explain how the procedure is going to go....(My Dad usually accompanies me to the appointments and he's a champ about it, but, I'm talking about a 'someone' entirely different then him, you know, THAT someone). It is this 'someone' whom I miss when I am alone, at night, when I cry myself to sleep, I wish for that someone to be there, to hold me and comfort me as I release all of the emotion I keep in check trying to be strong, who would tell me, "go ahead and cry, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere". I wear my independence like a badge of honor, always saying, "I don't need a man to take care of me", (I like that I can and do take care of myself) but, really, I WANT a strong arm to hold me up on the days when I just don't want to hold myself up.....it doesn't happen very often, but, this is one of those times. This isn't something I usually verbalize, a secret of sorts and today, I felt vulnerable.

It didn't help that both of my doctors were unavailable and that I was not getting any satisfaction on the information front. I hate hitting a brick wall, usually I just scale the wall and get what I want by going over it, however, I wasn't my usual self today, so, I just crumbled a little. I felt like the dog in the photo, alone in a vast body of water, paddling for my life......

5 comments:

Brian Miller said...

my heart aches for you. i saw the post come up earlier but it was gone before i could get to it. in sharing it you are no longer alone. better days ahead.

An Open Heart said...

Thank you Brian.....

Pastor Sharon said...

Wow, that is profound! I was at that same brick wall seven months ago! When there is a need to find that peace to fill those empty places that make you cry, there is a solution and a someone to fill that space.

Pastor Sharon said...

I am praying for you!

julochka said...

you are so brave and honest, putting this all out there. i have this thing about today (09.09.09 as i comment), that is telling me with a loud, clear message that i'm hearing with my entire being, that today is a great day to write down all your deepest desires. stacey from discounderworld told me last week that writing is the new praying and i'm really feeling that today. write down all of the perfect outcomes for all of the pain and loneliness you describe here - someone to share it with, answers to come about your physical heart issues (and the more emotional ones), all of the ideal, perfect outcomes of all of it. i think the universe is in perfect alignment and listening.

xox,
/j